In Between

13

13

I lived my Life all by myself. I never let myself get attached to any people even to my Mom that I used be close. I never get involved myself with anyone even to my Mom. I always thought that the lesser people in my life, the lesser problem would be, then the lesser the pain I will feel. In my eyes, people are like a disease to me, a disease I don’t want to have and that might kill me.

Nagsimula ang isipan kong iyan ng mangyari iyon.

Before that day, I was the happiest kid. It was my Mom and Dad’s wedding. I still can remember that I was their Flower girl that time. They didn’t get a chance to have a wedding before because they first had me and they also wanted that in their wedding... I will be their flower girl.

But I didn’t know that that would be the last time I would see them together. I should have hugged them tightly. I should have stared at them the whole day. I shouldn’t have wasted my time playing with my cousins. I should have told him... to stay.

And the day after that was the first day my life got miserable, my Dad went abroad after their wedding because they want to give me a wealthy and perfect life. I should have told them that my life would never be perfect without him. But the moment he left was the last day I would see him.

We lost our communication with him. We didn’t even know if He landed safely in that country. Even the company He applied at suddenly disappeared. It’s been 10 years since that happened. Until now... we still long and wait for him.

No. My mom only waits for him. I don’t want to wait to a man who promised that He will come back. He should have know that my happiness was never been money, I can live with a simple and neat life. Wealthy life was never been my definition of a Perfect life.

What’s the use of money if my heart is broken...

But I know... that deep inside of my heart... I’m still waiting for him. He should have found a way to come back, to get a communication to us, to get in touch to us. He should haven’t left if he knew that that company is just scamming them or will remove the contact with their family.

I hate him for not coming back, but it doesn’t mean I don’t allow him to come back. But, you shouldn’t have promise...

And that’s the reason why I don’t want to be with people... because i know that when I get attached to them... It’s hard to let them go and accept that they will leave.

“Tayo’s yumuko na at manalangin. Sa ngalan ng ama, at ng anak, at ng ispirito santo...” pagsisimula ng pari sa harapan ng panalangin.

Iniyuko ko ang aking ulo at marahang ipinikit ang mga mata. Ipinagsalukop ko ang aking mga kamay at sinabayan ang kaniyang pananalangin. Ngunit bago matapos ay nagsabi ako ng sariling panalangin sa Diyos.

I know that it’s been a long time I prayed... But Lord please let me speak and hear my sorrow, pain and wounds.

“Lord... I know that I lived my life with selfishness, hatred, evilness and I didn’t do any good all of my life. But I want you to heal my wounds and open it to let you and other people enter my life again. Forgive me to all my evil doings, as I forgive the people who did those things to me too. And also secure the people I love with safetiness and happiness... Amen.”

I never knew that I would do this thing and say the things I don’t want to share with others...

“Amen. Sa ngalan ng Ama at ng Anak at ng Ispirito santo. Maari na kayong magsi upo.” Pagtatapos ng pari.

Nagsiupo na ang lahat. Napangiti ako ng mag abot si Din sa akin ng panyo dahil hindi ko namalayan na lumuluha na pala ako. I felt relieved whenever I’m here and what more when I prayed and let out the words I need to let out. The best feeling was feeling the presence of the Lord, it gave me goosebumps and I love it.