Strawberry Wine

fifteen

"How long are you staying" She asked softly.

He didn't pause to think. "I don't know."

He didn't sound annoyed or cold, just matter-of-factly.

"Ok."

Chae Young's grandparents had set off to visit Chil Bok's apple orchard first thing after breakfast. Her grandmother had called Jung Kook over to help Chae Young in shelling peanuts. "I'm making peanut butter," she had declared to them. The afternoon was warm, and the radio was playing mindless tunes in a corner.

Chae Young noticed Jung Kook's hardened hands and was acutely conscious of how time had passed. Their conversations were light and superficial, as though five years had not passed since Chae Young abruptly left South Korea. Since she left him.

When he got up to change the radio station, Chae Young studied his side profile. Time had chiseled his face into sharper features and his expressions more guarded.

"Let's keep it on this one," she told him when he landed on a station that had an upbeat, pop songs playing.

"You like this type?" His tone was amused but strained. It did not suit Jung Kook to be making predictable small talks.

"How do you like University?" She asked tentatively.

He sighed. "I like the campus. I get enough time and space to just be."

She nodded.

"What about you? Have you been happy?" He asked at length.

"I- I don't know. Maybe not always."

"Just finding little moments of it is enough."

His answer made her smile. "What about you? Have you been happy?"

"Me?" He paused before responding. "I'm learning to recognize those moments."

"This conversation makes me happy," she admitted.

He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. She noticed how he had grown it out, and how it lay tousled and wavy, dramatically framing the angles of his jaw. He looked more beautiful than her memories.

Unexpectedly, he turned his face and caught her looking. She froze. His gaze held here there, on the spot, unable to look away. His eyes bore into hers, and she felt her face and neck turn hotter than the afternoon.

"I've missed you." His voice suddenly lost the lightness and levity of their small talks. He sounded tired.

Chae Young nodded and racked her brain for something to say. Me too? I'm sorry? Did you really? But she found that her throat had suddenly gone dry. She dug her nails into the shell of the peanut in her hand. The brown casing crumbled under her strength and warm liquid blurred her vision of him and the world.

She lowered her head, hating how easily the tears had come; it was not about looking weak but because she had no right to cry. She was the one who had left him, wordlessly, cruelly.

She did not want to wipe them away because that would draw even more attention to her undeserved tears. Instead, she bit her tongue to stop more from dropping onto her lap.

His hands reached into her lap and took the peanut away from her grip. He lifted her chin up, forcing her to look at him.

His eyes were gentle. "Don't cry. I'm happy to see you."

"Please yell at me." She choked.

He chuckled lightly. "What do you think of me?"

"Don't you hate me? Wasn't I cruel?"