Accidents Happen

7. Choices

A few more vomit filled days passed and I was no closer to making up my mind. Ben and I had written lists of pros and cons. Surprisingly the pros list was longer. So I screwed it up and threw it away. I pinned the cons list to the fridge in the tiny kitchen in my flat.

'Do you know what would make this easier?' I asked Ben. We were laying on the sofa together, my feet in his hands, his feet in mine. If I had any talent, it would be amazing foot rubs. Bens massages weren't that bad, but he tried. And with my feet aching for no apparent reason, I wasn't going to complain. 'Alcohol.'

'You can't drink.' He laughed.

'Hell yeah I can.'

'What if you end up keeping it? You'll feel guilty when it ends up having alcohol dependance when it's born.' We both laughed but he made a valid point.

'I don't know what else to do.'

'Getting drunk is not the answer.'

'It normally is.'

'Getting drunk landed you here.' He made a bold statement. I leant up and smacked him round the head.

*****

I had an interview for sale assistant at a furniture shop in town. Money was dangerously low once again and I had rent to pay in two weeks. Scott sent money home every month, but it hardly covered anything. I dreaded to think where I'd be without him. I had to get this job. How I would cope with working and throwing up every hour with little sleep, I didn't know. But it was that or end up homeless. Which didn't really seem that appealing.

Just as I brushed down my suit jacket at the mirror on the back of the front door, a letter landed on the doormat by my feet. I'd normally just step over it, ignore it until later because it was normally a bill. But I noticed a stamp mark on it I recognised. It was from the casting company I'd had a failed audition for months ago. I opened it excitedly. Did I dare to imagine this could be what I'd been waiting for?

'Miss Henry. You recently auditioned for the part of Nurse 3 in the BBC drama, Doctors. We are delighted to tell you that you were successful.' I began to cry happily. This was it. This was my big break. So it was only a soap opera on daytime TV but it was regular work. And it would lead to more work. It was monthly pay. It was a future.

It was just what I'd needed to fit into place. And it had finally made up my mind. I would have to terminate the pregnancy. There was too much riding on me to cope with. If I got the abortion, life would go back to normal. My boyfriend would never find out. Ben wouldn't be stuck keeping this secret from his friends. I'd even have a job. Everyone benefited.

I just had to remember it wasn't a baby yet. It was just a ball of cells. That was currently making me feel awful. Like a virus. Who would've thought something so small could cause so much damage. All I'd have to do is take a few tablets and life would go back to normal.

I decided not to go to the job interview. I rang the doctors and found out what I needed to do next.

I text Dan to make sure he wasn't busy or somewhere he couldn't talk. He rang me back moments later.

'Everything ok?' He sounded panicked.

'Yeah, fine.' I couldn't help but giggle slightly at his eagerness.

'Sorry, I thought something had happened.'

'Oh. No. I just...I've made up my mind.'

'Ok. Good.' He paused. Allowing me to tell him.

'I think we should get an abortion.' For a moment I thought the phone had cut out. Silence fell. 'Dan?'

'Ok.' His response was hard to read, given that I couldn't see his face.

'I got an appointment for next week.'

'Right. Good. Ok. What day? I'll come with you.'

'No it's fine, I can go on my own.' I'd just dashed his hopes of becoming a father, I shouldn't expect him to come with me.

'I want to come with you.' He insisted.

'Ok. Look. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want, but, I just can't do it.'

'No it's fine. I told you I'd support you no matter what.'

Then why did I get the impression that he was disappointed? Maybe not everyone would be happy with my decision.