Accidents Happen

14. Home

I helped Dan move some of the things out of my room, much to his protesting, the smaller bits and boxes. He took care of the big stuff. It all got put into the third bedroom which would become the nursery. It was smaller than mine, but it would do. Little babies didn't take up much room, surely? We didn't talk much, only when I had a cheeky look through some of the boxes and I found some books and photos.

'Is this you?' I asked, holding up a pile of baby photos.

'Yeah.' He grinned. He'd been a beautiful child. And slightly blonder back then too. It gave me an insight into what the baby could look like.

'Is this...is this a Brit award?' I found it wrapped in a sock in the corner behind the bed.

'Shit, yeah, wondered where that went.' He laughed.

'You should display it.' Having looked around, I saw hardly anything that told me he was in a massive sucessful band. I had glanced the piano in the living room and some vinyls and CDs on a self in the hallway but that was all.

'Are you hungry?' He asked once the room was clear. My measily four boxes and two bags sat on the bed. I had pulled the curtains closed earlier but on inspection I found it had gone dark outside. And when he asked I realised I hadn't eaten all day.

'Erm I guess.' I shrugged. I was one of those visitors who didn't like to get in the way or be a burden. I'd been raised to be over polite and decline food when offered.

'There's a pizza place round the corner, I can order in. Do you like pizza?'

'Who doesn't like pizza?' I laughed.

'You're not a vegetarian are you?' He said in such a way that I wasn't sure he was kidding. But then after two years here I still wasn't able to differentiate the English sarcasm.

'No I'm not.' I told him.

'Thank God, cost thought I'd made a massive mistake then.' That time I knew he was kidding as he laughed at his own joke.

He went to order food and I sat down on my bed. The walls were bare. The bedding was generic, plain white. There was nothing in this room that said 'home'. I would need to change all that soon. I wasn't sure how long I'd be living here but I wanted to make it feel like I could settle here. If there was one thing I craved, it was some normality. And with the baby on its way and this new relationship with a guy a barely knew, I needed it desperately. I liked him. He was a really nice guy. As Ben had told me.

We ate in the living room. The huge corner sofa took up most of the space, leaving only the television and piano pushed against the walls. I sat neatly with the pizza box on my knees, scared of dropping any crumbs. Dan however was lounging back, tucking in without a care. He reminded me so much of Ben; being on the road constantly with no space or privacy. But then at home he would starfish out on the sofa and not move or get dressed for days on end.

'What do you wanna watch?' He asked through a mouthful of pizza. I quickly chewed and answered.

'Oh nothing, I don't mind.' I liked how he didn't push me to tell him. He just left it at that. And it gave me a chance to see what he liked. It ended up being some indie film on channel four. By nine, I could feel myself becoming tired and used it as a good reason to excuse myself for the night.

'If you need anything I'm just across the hall, give me a shout.' He said kindly.

'Ok. Good night Dan.'

'Night Ally.'

I don't know if it was because of my new surroundings but I could not get to sleep. It wasn't that I wasn't tired, because I was. I was exhausted. Growing a human was hard work. Moving house was hard work. Breaking up with my boyfriend had been hard work. When would I catch a break?

It was very nice of Dan to offer me a place to stay, rent free, but I couldn't sponge off him. I had to figure out what I would do in the long term. It was probably time to abandon my dreams of becoming an actress. I would have to get a 'normal' job. In an office. And join the rat race. The very thought was depressing.

At midnight I gave up any hope of sleep. I'd go and make a drink, read or something. Anything to stop laying here thinking about how much trouble I was still in.