Accidents Happen

22. Christmas

Christmas was quickly approaching as we hit December. Things had settled down by then. The twelve week mark had come. The second scan showed that everything was growing nicely, no evidence that the bleed had effected the baby at all. We'd both cried again when we saw how much it had grown, those little buds for limbs were now in proportion and it looked like a baby. There had been no more bleeding, no more worrying, and we could finally relax. There was now just six months to go until it would be here and thoughts could now turn to actually bringing our bundle home. Dan had cleared the nursery and we had bought the first baby things; a pack of nappies and a pair of tiny baby shoes sat on the floor in the middle of the room. When he was away, he had gone to America for a week, the trip that had been cancelled due to our scare, I found myself sitting in that room, on the floor, looking at how small these shoes were. They fit in the palm of my hand and I still couldn't believe something so small could change so much. Even before it was here I had grown up myself. It was as if a switch had been turned on in my mind that had previously been off; maternal instincts. I was eating right, I was taking care of myself, not letting myself become stressed out, all for the benefit of this baby. And I knew I would do anything in a heartbeat to protect it.

I passed every heart appointment with flying colours. Now I'd been off the immunosuppressants for a month, everything was still fine. In fact, with a fully functioning immune system for the first time in 22 years, I felt more than fine. I felt like a new woman. And for the first time in a long time I was happy. I had so much to look forward to. When Dan was home we read all the books he had bought about pregnancy, labour and birth, showing all the milestones and firsts we had coming up. When movement could be felt, when the baby would start getting hiccups, when it would first begin to yawn and stretch, when it would grow fingernails. And then afterwards, ignoring the totally scary labour part, the first feed, the first smiles, the first laughs. I felt privileged to be witness to a human beings first everythings.

'Ew.' Dan squirmed. We were lounging on the sofas in the living room, a now-rare day when he was home and not busy. We'd spent the morning watching films, the weather outside far too hostile for my liking to venture out. Then after lunch we'd sat quietly reading. I looked up over my book, this one focused on weaning and potty training.

'What?' I laughed.

'It says here...' He spun his book around so I could see. 'That during labour the body can experience the equivalent amount of pain as breaking all your bones at once.' He said it with a grimace.

'That's ok, cos I'm having all the drugs.' If he was trying to scare me, he'd failed.

'All the drugs?'

'Yep. I don't care, I'm gonna be high and pain free.'

'I don't think-'

'High. And pain free.' I repeated, cutting him off. I knew I was being naive. I knew that pushing a human being from a vagina was not exactly a walk in the park, but if I could just forget that until the moment it happened, I could sleep easily.

He laughed and shook his head. Which annoyed me a little.

'What?'

'There's loads of things you can do instead, like having a water birth, or a hypnobirth where you basically meditate and hum and it's supposed to be really calming and you could even do it here, at home-'

'Or I could have lots of drugs.'

He was not selling it to me at all. Why would I choose to be in pain when medical advances meant I didn't have to. And with my medical history I knew that being in a controlled environment with lots of doctors and drugs was my best option.

I didn't want to talk about it further and certainly didn't want an argument. We'd so far lived in harmony. He was actually a great housemate. He did his fair share of cleaning and cooking, I enjoyed his company and he'd made me feel so welcome. Most nights when he was home we'd end up laughing until the early hours and when he was away I missed him.

'So Christmas is in three weeks and we haven't got a tree.' I said, changing the subject.

'Yeah, we should get one. A real one.'

'I've never had a real one. Last year I didn't even bother, the room I rented was too small.'

'Shopping tomorrow morning then?'

'Yeah!' I said excitedly. 'This time next year we'll have a baby you know?'

'I know.' He looked so pleased. 'What are you doing for Christmas anyway?'

'No plans. Probably see Ben on Christmas Eve but otherwise no idea.' I shrugged.

'I'm going to my mums, you're welcome to come with me.'

'Oh, no that's ok, I don't want to intrude.'

'I haven't told them yet. I thought that if we go together, I can tell them then. You wouldn't be intruding at all.'

'Yeah but maybe I shouldn't be there when you tell them, kinda hard to explain where I've appeared from isn't it? I don't want to make it awkward for anyone.'

'You're my friend, my housemate and you're carrying my child. I think it's safe to say things are already pretty awkward.' He laughed. I rolled my eyes at him. 'And we're pretty close now right?'

'I guess.' I shrugged.

'You should come meet my parents. It's gonna happen at some point. And one day I'd like to meet yours.'

'Oh that won't happen.'

'Why not? You should get in touch with them.'

'Honestly, it's for the best if I don't.'

'Ok.' He said, in a tone that to me sounded like it wasn't the end of the conversation. Much like the labour conversation. The last thing I wanted was to get into a stupid argument with him. I knew my hormones were doing their best to mess me up and I wasn't going to let them.