These Lovely Scars (Lord of the Rings Fanfic)

Lady of Darkness

*This chapter contains some emotional content and a theme of depression*

Stars wheel above me. I drift in the black abyss of space and time, going nowhere, going nowhere. My eyes finally begin to droop closed...

And then they snap open.

I lay on a soft bed with silken, white sheets. I am dressed in a beautiful gown that looks a little bit like stars, if they would shine during the day. Starlight seems to hang all around me. And the Lady of Light sits in front of me. I open my mouth, but then close it. What am I supposed to say?

"Welcome, Adrianne Velika of the House of Rivendell, to Lorien. The palace of starlight welcomes you." She says. Her voice is deep and smooth, rich with power.

"Thank you," I say. "For your hospitality, and for healing me." There is no longer any pain in my back, and the skin has closed over where the bloody hole used to be. Elvish magic.

She smiles radiantly, and I have to smile too. "Come now, Velika. You will find that you Are able to stand and walk." I do as she wished, slowly rising from the bed and walking to follow her. It's amazing what she did to my back. It feels like nothing ever happened to it.

I follow her out to the celestial courtyard outside our room. Hanging over the balcony rails, to my amazement, I find that I can see all of the celestial city below us. It's the most beautiful thing I've seen, yet...I know this image. Glimmering lights in the distance. Glimmering lights in the distance. Glimmering lights in the distance...

"CITY!" I cry out with the excitement of finally remembering something. "City lights, am I right? Do city lights glimmer in the distance?"

Lady Galadriel smiles. "Yes, they do. City lights were something that was very familiar and perhaps comforting in your world."

Her answer startles me a bit. I tear my gaze away from the sparkling lights below. "Wait, my world? Do you know about it? Have you been there?"

She moves back inside and I follow, waiting for an answer. She stands in front of something that takes the shape of a bowl, and begins to fill it with sparkling water from the fountain nearby. "I have...seen it. I have had glimpses of your world, Velika, and of your past life." She hesitates. "There are...things you must know." Something about her tone makes me want to draw away and cower. As excited as I may have seemed earlier about my other life, I've realized that I'm actually a bit afraid to find out what was inside of it. Maybe what's still inside of it. "Will you look into the Mirror of Galadriel?"

I almost want to say no, but I can't. I need to find out. To put the pieces together. "Yes." I say, walking forward. My left hand, the hand with the scars trembles a bit. I press it firmly against my side to stop the shaking. Galadriel steps back and watches me with unwavering blue eyes. I put my hands on the rim of the basin and give her an unsure look. She nods at me.

I lean forwards.

Images flood into my mind. Everything about this world is strange, the people, the clothes, the things in it. But not me. I'm still the same me. I'm always the same. First I see a building with kids walking out of it. They each carry a bag on their backs and books in their hands. I find myself in the crowd, walking with a few other girls and laughing every now and then. But I don't look truly happy. What's bothering me? I can't be more than nine years old.

A new image comes up. I am older this time, perhaps ten or eleven, and I am in a different building. There are still the kids, now my age as well, walking down the halls with their books and bags. What is this place? I watch as I, my younger self, walks alone with slumped shoulders, looking down and trying not to catch anyone's eye. A girl sticks her foot out and trips me, and I fall flat on my face. When I look up, I see that my chin is split open and bleeding. I watch in horor as the girl kicks my younger self repeatedly in the gut, and the other kids around them laugh. Why is she doing this? I have to help myself! But it seems that I cannot move. I am trapped to where I stand in this memory, invisible and only able to watch. My younger self stands up, crying and yelling with blood on her face, and she throws a punch at the girl. The girl's nose begins to bleed, and soon adults come and take my younger self away. She's in trouble, and the girl who tripped her and beat her up stands there with her other friends, a smug smile on her face. How is this fair?

The scene changes, and this time it's worse. I try to tear my eyes away, but I can't. I look older now, about thirteen maybe, and I scream and cry as an older man beats me bloody. This man is my father. I cry out something, "Mom! I need you! Please! M-m-mommy!" But my mother, whoever she may be, is not there for me. I can't help her, I can't do anything. I'm stuck in this memory, unable to look away, unable to help. Her face, my face, is bloody and tear streaked. I struggle for the little black rectangle on the table a few feet away from me. 911. I need to call 911.

The last one. Please let this be the last one. I can't handle it anymore. I want it to be over, I think as the scene changes again. I sit on a cold, tiled floor, crying. Once again, I am a little bit older this time. What is going on? What am I doing? Crimpson drops fall from my left wrist onto the floor like little drops of rain. I look down at my own wrist, which throbs.

I scream.

I scream.

I scream.

I fall backwards and my back hits the ground.

I'm back. I don't care if I'm in front of Lady Galadriel, one of the most powerful beings in Middle Earth. I let myself cry. I let myself cry until the sobs wracking my whole body finally subside, and my eyes feel dry. I have no more tears to cry. Lady Galadriel comes over to me and stands me up. I cannot read her eyes, but shame finally washes over me. I am so weak.

But she pulls me in for a hug, and I begin to cry all over again. "I know what you have seen," she says, her deep voice comforting. "For I too have seen it."

I remember it now. I remember it all. My name is Adrianne Velika, and I am the girl who fell. Not from the sky, but from my life.

This is my story.

I never thought that the first life I would take would be my own. I always thought that my first kill would be an orc or some other vile creature in battle. But myself? I'm not an orc. I'm not a vile creature. It doesn't make sense.

Oh, but it does. Because how can you escape from what's in your mind? You can't. And I will never be able to escape from the memories, no matter how hard I try. No one can escape from their mind.

Now I am here, away from it all. But it is not away from me.

I am the Lady of Darkness.

This was intense, and I'm really sorry. I apologize if some parts (or maybe all parts) were disturbing, but I needed to get Adrianne's story in somehow. Thank you all for taking the time to read this, as it was really hard and emotional for me to write. I don't think I'll write another scene like this again. - ivyk4t

Disclaimer - This is not intended to promote or glorify self harm, depression, or abuse.