I miss her. I miss her so much. She meant everything to me. And now with her gone it seems like a part of me will forever be missing. It seems so much colder now that she's gone; like mother nature's upset with her passing too.
After Anna passed, a nurse handed me her baby. Baby Elsie. Her eyes were just like Anna's. Standing there, holding this little human, I felt as though I was holding a part of my sister. She was there in my arms too. I could feel her. And this was my promise to her, so I hold her even tighter.
I recalled her words from just a few moments ago, "Continue to look after her for me no matter what and love her endlessly the way I never could, can you promise me that Tara?". I promise Anna, I whisper up at the sky.
I want to absorb this moment in, this moment with little Elsie in my hands. She feels so light, looks so perfect and smells so angelic. I am her protector for as long as I live and my love for her will be everlasting. Like rays of sunshine after a storm she appeared. And I don't think she knew this, but she was going to make such a difference in this world. She was going to bring so much love and light.
My family surrounded me and stared down at Elsie's little face.
"She wanted me to have her..." I break into another round of tears.
"It's what she wanted," mum rubbed Elsie's face with the back of her finger. Jayden took a deep breath. He stayed silent for a while. I tried my hardest not to imagine what this would be like for him.
Finally, he brings himself to say, "It's what we both wanted." He touched my shoulder and looked down at the baby. My goodness she looks like Anna. There's no part of her that doesn't. I can tell that was what we were all thinking, but no one could bring themselves to say her name.
We were all momentarily shocked. The world can change so much within the space of a few minutes. It was not long ago that we had said goodbye to Anna. It was not long ago that we had all seen her give birth, and it was not long ago that Anna was here, right beside me. How strange. The more I thought about it, the more my mind fell quiet, the less I thought about her.
Later that evening we drove home. I sat quietly in the backseat beside baby Elsie. She rest's gently, the low hum of the car lulling her to sleep. It makes me just as tired. Mum drove with extra care up through the grove.
I pull Elsie out of her baby seat. She's wrapped in the beige muslin that Anna bought for her. I hold her fragile body close to my chest. She's so warm. I never want to let go of her. Mum turns the key in the lock and pushes the big door open.
"Hey Elsie, this is your new home," I pulled the fabric away from her face. She opened one eye. Ocean blue just like Anna's. I rocked her from side to side as I slowly took her up the steps upstairs. Each foot slowly placed on the next step. When we got to the top, I walked her into the nursery Anna and Jayden had put together for her. I took her over the giant arched window and we looked over the flower fields.
"Over there are the flower fields. I'll take you there tomorrow. It's the most beautiful place in the entire world," I whisper to her. I stood there for a while and Elsie didn't seem to mind. The house was in silence.
I gently rested her head to the warm blankets of the baby crib and she laid there with her little arms moving from side to side. I covered her over, sat by her on the impossible rocking chair and watched as she drifted off into a peaceful slumber once more.
An hour passed. I could have still stared at Elsie's sleeping face for weeks, perhaps even months, but soon she woke up and broke into a cry. I picked her up and held her face close to mine. She stopped crying, looked into my eyes and just stared. She has soft indentations on the sides of her cheeks. I brought my nose against her and pressed a kiss against her forehead.
"I love you," I whisper and she made a small noise back, someone in between a cry and a laugh. I brought her down to my chest once again and headed down the stairs. Mum was making her baby formula in the kitchen. I sat on the kitchen bar stool with her. Mum didn't look stressed anymore. Overwhelmed, yes, but her facial expression is just neutral.
Soon it was night. I had to feed Elsie through a bottle, which was quite the task at first. But she gained a trust in me, or maybe we gained a trust in each other. She finished quickly and I took her up to her room. Once again, we took slow steps and made our way through the silence of the house.
When I flicked the switch on for her lights, an instant illumination of faerie-lights and lamps appeared over us. The room is so magical. It was alive. I guess that Anna and Jayden might have worked a little more on the nursery while I was away. I lowered Elsie down on my lap and rested on the rocking chair. She fitted so perfectly. I almost fell asleep but she kicked her little legs at my thighs.
"I want you to know..." I lifted her higher. "...that I'm going to do anything for you. You deserve everything in the entire world, and I'll do my best to give it to you. And I know that you're going to do amazing things. Of course you are, you're Anna's daughter. I promise, honey, to be the mum that you deserve." I made a promise that night. And I've still kept it to this day.
So I laid her in her crib and fell asleep on the floor next to her.
