Day three is Anna's funeral. I found myself dressed in a black jacket and skirt. It was held in a huge funeral home with perfectly-lined white chairs and a decorative stage-feature out the front - my guess was that's where the coffin went. It looks like a church that's been refurbished and painted in a darker shade of grey.
People trickled in the doors slowly, like little black ants slowly arriving at their nests. My mother stood out the front of the building as people entered, greeting them as they offered their condolences. I sat at the back with Elsie, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I don't see Jayden.
It's a shattering thought that almost all of the people here were at her wedding just a few months ago. I watched as Anna's friends entered the hall in tears. I wasn't completely emotionless either, but I had cried too many tears that I was just immune to it now. When Jayden entered he was by himself, wearing a black suit with tear stains trickling down his face. I didn't approach him. I couldn't. Oh, hey, welcome to your wife's funeral. No.
We all stood at the front of the funeral. Everyone's heads hung low. The coffin was pulled by six strong men, all wearing suits. Silence surrounded each and every one of us as it was carried through the church. It wobbled as they carried it to the front and gently placed it down.
The coffin was dark stained and perfectly polished. Inside it was lined in a silky padding. It seemed inviting. It was good to know that my sister was resting in a comfortable place.
I held onto Elsie the whole time. She liked bouncing up and down on my lap. We did that for quite a way, up until the funeral commenced. I made her sit quietly after that.
Mum's hands are shaking. She wiped tears on her sleeve and rested her head on my shoulder. She had her eulogy approaching When they called upon mum to say a few words for Anna, I squeezed her hand as tight as I could and she straightened her shoulders and walked to the front. I was asked to give a speech but rejected the request. I would have fallen apart.
"It's hard to believe that Anna's not with us anymore..." Don't cry, don't cry, do not cry. I manage to keep it all together until midway through her speech.
"I know that no one could ever replace her...because she was a really good daughter and an even better sister." Just when I thought I had no tears left in my body, they flooded out. Anna's in a good place, i think. She wouldn't have wanted you to cry.
A photo of Anna gets passed around the room. It was her school photo from year twelve, we had that photo hanging up in the hallway. The photo cascaded memories into my pool of thought. I missed talking to her. I missed laughing with her.
The funeral planner announced that the burial ceremony will be held after a short morning tea in the dining hall, and that Anna's family wishes for everyone to be there with us to remember her. As if that would make things better.
The dining hall was so prettily decorated that it looks like a wedding could be held there. A large array of cakes and biscuits sat on the long table towards the back of the room, courtesy of my mother. I bounced Elsie against my hip in the corner of the room where we sat together. Just me and her. I liked it. We got each other. But it's not long before everyone rushes over to us. Because, as if a baby is not going to get noticed in a room with a group of middle-aged women. They flood me with questions. How old is she, they asked. Is she yours, they asked. But I didn't get a chance to answer either of those questions because there were just more and more questions. Eventually, I left Elsie with mum and ran upstairs. This building was similar to a house; perhaps it once was. Upstairs is a room where no one else could come and find me.
It was a bedroom with a large bed and dressing table, although it was empty so I just assumed no one lived up here, the bedroom opened out onto a private balcony. Surprisingly, the glass door wasn't locked and so I slid out onto it. The view is pure forest and tree-canopies, nowhere near as astonishing as they view from mine, but it was so peaceful and quiet that I needed to stay. I perched myself onto the railing and looked even further into the view. Just below the horizon, I could see a small house. The city was on the opposite side of the view so there wasn't a single car or urban building, for that matter, in view. I breathe in. It smelt like the scent of earth after rain, even though it hadn't rained for at least a week now. The mountain air was soothing and I stretched my arms above my head.
I wondered if Anna could see me. I'm not a religious individual but I wanted to be. It was a beautiful thought, that she might be there watching over me, somewhere in the open sky. I imagined her now, looking down from above. She would be smiling, of course. Anna never stopped smiling. "Anna?" I say, just in case she could hear me, but there was no reply, just silence. If she were to reply, I wondered, would her voice come from the sky or in my head. I imagined the scenario and decided that it would probably be in my head; it would be strange to hear her voice booming from the sky.
I soak in the moments of silence for just a few minutes longer. When I finally readied myself to leave, I took slow steps back into the room and shut the glass door. It made a loud bang and for a second I thought someone one going to realise and come up, but no one did.
I ran my fingers along the dressing table and left the room, closing the door gently this time. The second I came back down stairs I felt sorry for leaving my mum all alone with the baby. Now she was the one being attacked by all those ladies. I wrapped my fingers around Elsie's waist and squeezed her tightly. "Sorry about that," I whispered to her as we left in the opposite direction.
The burial ceremony wasn't the most heart-lifting event in this universe. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The coffin was lowered into the ground with a machine and it almost made the place look like a construction site. Just like that, six feet under. The box was then covered with a pile of dirt and a stone is placed on the surface. Anna Miller, it read, loving wife to Jayden Miller, 1994-2020.
Everyone is looking down and a part of me wonders if it's out of respect or if it's because they just can't bear to look at her grave. The second option was true for me, I didn't want to look at it. I knew that a funeral is in honour of someone's life, and that it's a time to pay respect for that person, but all it does is make you miss them; make you want them back.
That night, I dreamt that I was in the grave with Anna. She was still alive, so we broke free and flew into the sky.
