It had been 5 days since Anna had passed. Elsie was taking her midday nap and I was laying on a plush window seat on the other side of the nursery scrolling through pinterest when I came to a realization. The realization that I don't belong at Lilly Mae University anymore. I mean, it had always been one of my dreams and something I wanted to accomplish but just not anymore. Anna had given me the strength to find that I was capable of so much more.
When my parents had initially suggested that I study law, it sounded hard, but being the girl I used to be, I dove head straight into it. Something was there and I felt like I needed to get to it to prove something. Prove to my parents that they could be just as proud of me that they were of Anna. It's a silly realisation; but it feels so right. I was swimming towards a goal that didn't even exist.
I always knew that Anna would always want the best for me and most importantly to follow my dreams, that's why when I found that Anna had left me two-hundred-thousand dollars I knew what I had to do with it. For me, for Elsie, for Anna. Open my own shop.
I had always dreamt of opening my own little vintage flower boutique and now that Annas has gone; more than ever. Ever since I was little I had always loved flowers, the colours, the smells and the softness of their petals. It was no kidding, I practically lived in the flower field. Still to this day they are one of my obsessions. I could hear Anna in my mind whispering to me, telling me that I'm doing the right thing, telling me that she's proud.
I continued to scroll through pinterest but this time looking at flowers and flower shops. I was in the zone of creating one of the most perfect pinterest boards when Elsie woke up and started to cry. I picked her up and carried her down stairs to feed her.
"Mum, where are the bottles?" Elsie's hungry and I couldn't find any of them.
"Why don't you and Elsie go and sit in the lounge and I will find one and make it for you and do you want me to make you a chai latte while i'm at it? ."
"Yes please, thanks mum, you're the best." I placed Elsie on her mat for her tummy time and took a seat. Not long after, Mum makes my chai latte and Elsies bottle and joins me in the lounge. She turned on the tv and put fuller house on, one of our favourite tv shows to watch. Elise started to fuss so I picked her up and cuddled her, of course she stopped fussing straight away. That kid loved to be held. Hours had passed and the outro song started to play for about the 20th time, shows like that get addictive.
"I'm going to take Elise up stairs and then do some work." I say as I get up off the lounge.
"Ok, I'm probably going to get up and get some work done as well." She claims. But I'm sure she will stay there and watch at least one more episode, she could never resist. I carry Elise carefully up the stairs, put a new nappy on her along with some comfier clothes, place her in her crib and grab a book to read. Reading a book was now part of Elises nap time ritual, I'm sure it's apparent of nearly every kids nap time ritual, it sure was one of mine when I was a kid.
Elsie was finally down for her nap and I was laying on the day bed for like the third day procrastinating on doing some work and scrolling through pinterest, are you surprised? But I realised I had to tell mum about starting my own flower shop. I didn't know how she was going to act, whether she was going to be annoyed, surprised or amazed but I knew she was going to be supportive either way, that was just the sort of Mum she is. Maybe that was why I had to tell her.
Mum was on her laptop when I asked if I could speak to her. I entered her room and sat on the bed beside her. I was still wearing my linen pj's and my hair was a mess as it fell in front of my face.
"Mum, I need to ask you something." She closed her laptop and awarded all of her attention towards me. From the tone of my voice, she could tell this was serious.
"How do you know when you're supposed to take another path? How would you know that if you had just stayed on the one now, you would have been happier?"
She had a think at this question, opened her mouth several times to begin to answer. I was never the type to shoot deeply philosophical questions at my mother like this, perhaps this is why I had been stuck in such a mess in the first place.
"I guess you don't know. But if you're unhappy on the path that you are on now, then you probably won't reach anywhere that's happy. It's the journey that matters, honey, not where you'll end up. Take the path with the happiest journey, and even if it doesn't get you anywhere, you would have known that it was worth it." This way of thinking never really appeared to me.
"I don't want to do law anymore," the words slipped out of my mouth. She didn't look shocked, she simply placed her hand upon my leg and spoke softly.
"Oh, baby girl, you don't have to." I felt like bursting into tears. It was true; I was going nowhere, and I was so glad I knew that now.
"Mumma, I want to open a flower boutique," she stroked my golden hair.
"It suits you much better." She smells like a warmly washed baby, I buried my head further into her chest. I tell her about what it would look like, how big it would be, the sort of people that came to buy flowers, what sort of flowers I'd want to sell and how I'd want both dried and fresh blooms. She listened attentively with nothing but love and inspiration in her heart. By that afternoon we had constructed a plan. What about this, she'd say, how about if you...
We dragged the white board up out of the basement and found some old markers. If we were in time-lapse, you could see us sitting and thinking, and then adding it to the board until it became filled. Finally, we laid exhausted at the bed, staring up at the plan.
"You're going to do this," she squeezed my shoulders. Oh yes, I was.
Elsie's scream didn't stop no matter what I did. My goodness how I wished she could communicate. Then she could just say, I'm hungry or, you should probably change my diaper. Instead she squealed like the world was ending and I had to rush around the house with her, trying to calm her down.
I had to write my withdrawal letter that day. It was a moment of pride. I had never imagined myself being proud while formally dropping-out of school but nonetheless. I could tell it was right, with every single cell of my body.
