Until Them...

Chapter Fourteen

NORAH 

Elijah keeps checking in on me, to make sure I'm okay. I get that everyone is worried about me, but it's starting to get fucking annoying now. Since he found out about what happened at the party he's been more cautious around me.
"Eli I told you I'm fine. You don't have to keep coming over all the time" I moan at him as he stands in front of my lecture building, like he's done every Wednesday for the last few weeks. Doesn't he have classes of his own that he needs to get too?
"You haven't wanted to talk about it. Nobody's really spoken to you about anything in weeks, so I have to keep hovering over you until you do" he says. So that's what this is about, because I haven't talked about it properly with them.
"There isn't much to tell" I brush off and keep walking at a fast pace.
"Your a terrible liar" he says. This isn't the first time I've been told this.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything? Tell me how you feel" he urges me.
"How I feel? I don't even know how to answer that" I say sulking off, and I go and sit on a bench in the nearby park. I want to tell him about Gabriel, to tell him how badly I fucked up. How I never should have let him kiss me, because I'm more muddled then I was before. One kiss and I'm contemplating everything between us. Last week I'd have told everyone that things between us were over, that I was done with him for good this time. But now... I just don't know anymore. When you get rejected by your mother or father, you're always out there looking for that love your missing. And I had that love with him, but now I'm back to the hollowness.
"You can tell me you know. I'm not going to judge you" he says joining me on the bench.
"I know you wouldn't, but, I don't know how I feel anymore" I say, but then change my mind, Eli needs the truth "That's a lie. I do know how I feel. I feel smothered. I know your all worried about me and trying to make sure I'm okay, and I appreciate that. But it's just getting a bit much now. Between Gabriel and my family...it's just a lot"
"Your family? What what's happened?" I always put my foot in it, even when I tell myself I'm not going to mention them, I always do. Elijah feels bad about having this perfect loving family when I have such a turbulent relationship with mine.
"Have you spoken to them?" he asks.
"No, I keep calling Meg but she never answers"
"And your parents?"
"I've not heard from them since my Dad's visit. They called me for a few days afterwards, but they stopped trying"
"Have you thought about calling them? Just hear them out?" he suggests.
"I don't care what any of them has to say to me, the damage is done"
"Maybe your dad can explains things to you more? I know you probably don't want to hear it, but it might be better than sitting here festering over every little detail. It's been three months, don't you think that's more than enough time?"
"What if I don't want to know what he tells me?"
"You can't pretend it never happened Norah. You sister is married, it's done. You can't go back and change any of that. But you can move forward instead of letting it take over your life" He's right, he's always right. Sometimes I forget that Eli and I are the same age. He's so mature and wise, and I'm just a mess.
"Sorry I keep going to you with all my drama" I say, feeling like a burden to my friends.
"What? You don't. You hardly ever come to me with your problems" He can't be serious, I feel like I'm always relying in him to make me feel better. "I know you like to dig things inside and not talk about them, but just know you don't have to do that anymore"
"I can't understand why my sister would something like that. I know things have been strained between us over the years, but I'm still her sister and I should have been there"
"And you haven't heard from her at all?" he wonders.
"No"
"You should keep ringing her, that way you can ask her" he says, if only he knew how much I've been ringing. She hasn't answered one of my phone calls or the countless texts I've sent.
"My dad told me that she didn't want me there because I'd ruin her day" I tell him.
"That's your dad's opinion, you need to hear it from your sister. She might have an excuse, even though there's no excuse for what she did. But maybe you can finally understand why she did it"
"I guess" I shrug my shoulders at him.
"It's hard, and family is complicated believe me I know. But I'd hate to see you close yourself off from them forever"
"I just don't see how I can keep doing this? I came out to New York to get away from my troubled life back home, but I've come out here and found myself in more mess"
"I don't know what you should do with Gabriel. Only you can know that. But you could make a start at resolving things with your family. Maybe it will remove some of the burden and worries you're always carrying around. Maybe they took so long telling you, because they needed to process everything"
"Never thought of it that way" Of course I haven't, I've been to wrapped up in myself to even think about how anyone else feels.
"So you'll call them?" he asks me.
"No, but I'll call Meg"
"That's a start I guess" he smiles at me and then  jokes, "See you can tell me things. I'm a good listener you know"
"Who told you that" I joke at him making a confused face.
"I have to be if I'm gonna be friends with you. I mean you never stop talking sometimes" he plays back and I roll my eyes at him, knowing that he's just trying to make me feel better.
"Will you stop randomly showing up outside of my class now? It's a bit creepy, even for you" Eli laughs at me.

.....

Since telling Avery and Eli all about Dylan, I somehow feel like I'm starting to heal and the remnants of that horrible night are only scars now. I have plenty of them already, so what's a few more. God knows Gabriel has cause more than I ever thought possible. I always thought that I relied on my friends too much, but I realise speaking to Eli, that I don't. I always thought that I never needed anyone, that I shouldn't rely on anyone for anything. And it usually worked for me, but since I had Gabriel in my life, that changed. And it was a nice feeling to know I had people to fall back on if I need them. But I don't have Gabriel anymore, and I can't constantly rely on my friends. It's not fair and I'm still not comfortable being so vulnerable with them. But Elijah was right. I do need to speak to my family. To try and start resolving things between us. But first I need to speak to my sister, get an explanation for how we got here. Why we've grown so far apart? The more I think about what my Dad said, the more I start to understand why she wouldn't want me there on her special day. Because she was right, I would have ruined it. I'd have said some snarky comment or been resistant to the things they needed from me. Meg hasn't answered one of my phone calls or texts, I can't really blame her. She's got a new life, a new baby coming soon. She doesn't need my problems getting in the way, but I still need to know, so I decide to leave her a voicemail.
"It's me, Norah. I-I just wanted to talk to you, but I guess you're busy. I... umm... " I start to cry down the phone, light sobs as I gasp for air. "I know that it's my fault that we've become so distant. And I'm sorry for that... I can't tell you how sorry I am. You are the best sister I could have ever asked for, I wish I could've been the same for you" Before I hang I decide to say one final thing, before we go back to not speaking again. "You're going to be an incredible mother. And I hope that you're happy, you deserve it"
I spend the majority of the night crying, wishing I could just have a simple life. That I could be someone other than the person I am.