Until Them...

Chapter Sixteen

NORAH

A few days have past since I called and left Meg that voicemail begging her to call me back. But I've still not heard anything. Elijah's right I need to talk to my family and come up with some way to get Meg to hear me out. My music's blaring through my dorm room and I'm sure it's probably too loud for the time of day, but I'm struggling to concentrate right now. My frustration is on overload as I've been trying to write this letter for a few hours, but I'm struggling to get myself in the right headspace to do it. But I finally manage to get pen to paper, and once I start it all comes flooding out.

Dearest Meg,

I've been calling and calling you, but I haven't heard anything back. Maybe your busy or you needed some time. Either way I need to talk to you, but you won't return any of my calls, texts or emails. So I've done the only other thing I can think off, and wrote you this letter. Just read it, please, cause there's so many things I need to talk to you about and tell you.

Remember that time you came home from school and found all of your clothes thrown across your bedroom. You came barging downstairs demanding to know who it was, and I told you it was Gracie. Well, I lied, it was actually me. I stole £5 out of your wallet when I was seven. I wanted to get sweets but mum had taken all of my pocket money from me because I refused to help clean the house. I only did it that one time I swear, I felt so bad for doing it. I cried and ended up giving all the sweets to Gracie. Worst thing I ever did to you was tell mum and dad about how you'd sneak Liam into the house once they went to bed. That's how they knew he was there, because I told them. I never thought they'd go off the way they did. I was young and didn't understand what they were so mad about, but I get now why there were so mad. And didn't let him inside the house for a year because of it. I'm sorry Meg, I'm sorry for all of the cruel intentional things I've ever  done and will do to you. Not just to you, but to Gracie too. I know I've done a lot of shit these last few years, but I was lashing out at you all. I was always jealous of your and Grace's special relationship, cause it was the kind that Dylan and I used to have. I wish we could have had something like that, that we could been closer than we are. All three of us.

I'm sorry I've not been the sister you remembered or the one you wanted me to be. The one who used to braid your hair, or the sister you'd teach to use make up and the one who'd get into fights with Gracie whenever she'd make a snide comment at me. The sister who used to laugh at all of your jokes, even if they weren't funny. I know you miss her, and I do too. But you need to know that that Norah died with Dylan, and she's never coming back. But I'm trying to be better...to be a better person for you and Gracie. For myself. I'm not saying that I won't be difficult or angry because that would be a lie. But I can try, all I can do is try, if you'll let me.

I owe you an apology. I owe all of you an apology. When Dylan died, something inside me did too. So I shut down and lashed out at everyone. Whether I was trying to protect myself from the heartache, or from everyone blaming me for his death. I don't know, but I know one thing, and that's that I blame myself for it. I know it's my fault Dylan's dead. That he'd still be here if we didn't go out that day or if I did what he'd said. Mum would still have her boy, and you'd have a brother. He could've seen you walk down the aisle or be one of the first people to hold your baby. He'd probably try and convince you to name your baby after him, and teach your kid to play the guitar. Just like he did with me. There are so many things he could've done, but I took that away from him and from our family. A day doesn't go by where I don't remember that night or regret the decisions I've made. But I understand it all now. That's why you didn't want me at the wedding wasn't it? You didn't want me there because Dylan couldn't be. I'm a walking reminder of everything that our family's lost. Your wedding day should be the happiest day of your life, and my presence there would've clouded it. I'd have made some stupid remark or gotten into an argument about the dresses you picked. I'd have wanted to make everyone just as miserable as I am. And although it hurt not to be there. Part of me is glad that you didn't invite me because I never would have forgiven myself for ruining your day, and neither would you. So you don't have to feel guilty anymore, and neither does mum and dad for not telling me sooner. They were only trying to do what they thought was right.

Just know that I miss you. And if I could go back and change everything I would. I wish it was me... I wish I was the one who died that night. Life would be much simpler for everyone. Instead of this misery I've created. And I'm sorry ... I'm sorry for all of it.

- Norah

I walk down to the mailbox and post the letter. Part of me thought that maybe I'd feel a slight release. Release of guilty and anger, but I just feel like the same broken mess that I've been for the last few weeks.