Letters

Letter 4

November 8th, 2004

Dear Dad,

            It’s been quite calm lately today. Uncle Alex and I haven’t done much anything after I tried to apply for a job at the surfboard rental place. They said that I’ll get an email from them in a few days stating if I got the job or not. Uncle Alex said that he didn’t want to cheat me in just because I’m the nephew of the owner of the rental place. He wanted me to wait like any other person instead of having him rush them to get me the job. Honestly, I had no thought of doing this at all. Uncle Alex just told me these things in the car and he said that he knows I’m not the type of person to do that, but he says “Just in case”

            To fill in the hours, Uncle Alex asked me of my mom. I told him that she got in trouble again for the possession of drugs and child abuse. When she got out of jail for the first time, she got back to her old ways and started buying as much drugs as she possibly can. When I went to meet her again with you, we tried to settle things down at a family restaurant. For some reason, she got mad over the fact that you had me instead of her, so she started screaming in the restaurant. Remember when you told her this fair way to settle things? You told me to pick between you guys, and I picked you. She started throwing a fit again and so she decided to strangle me. That’s what you were trying to prevent, by talking about things in a public space, you were hoping that she won’t over react when there’s people around. The police came and that’s the last time we saw her.

            To relieve off some tension, Uncle Alex asked me if I have a girlfriend. I told him no. Then he asked me if I ever had one. I told him no. He said “Oh”, and then silence followed. After a few seconds of him looking down, he said “Boyfriend?” I was really surprised, but curious. I asked him why he even brought that up. In reply, he said “You’ll never know until you ask”

            I tried to pretend that this conversation wasn’t awkward, but he continued it by saying “Do you want one?”

            To clarify, I said “Boyfriend, or girlfriend?”

            “Boy, girl, it doesn’t matter” He said.

            I sat there trying to read his face and I couldn’t tell if he was as uncomfortable as I was. I tried not to look around the room that much because that was a sign of nervousness. I know I shouldn’t be nervous, I had nothing to hide. He just sat there comfortably waiting for my reply. I finally stood up and said “How am I supposed to know?” then I walked straight upstairs into my room. I closed the door and sat on my bed. I looked outside and thought, what was going on? What is this?

            I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs and he knocked on my door twice, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you” he said, “Do you want me to make it up to you, or-” and that’s where I stopped him. I opened the door and told him that it wasn’t necessary. He shrugged and said “I’ll forget all about it then…” he started walking down the first steps of the stairs and continued, “…Until you bring it up again yourself”

            I hid in my room again and closed the door. I thought, that’s not fair, but it’s completely fair. He shouldn’t have to bring it up. I’m the one who should bring it up, even though I wouldn’t want to openly talk about it to him. I’m just there asking myself, why? I’m completely confused about how I feel about this right now. I know I shouldn’t be, it was a simple question, but I couldn’t answer it. That was the first yes or no question I couldn’t answer. I don’t think I’ve had anxiety before, and I think this is what it feels like. To have your heart pumping and you’re really confused on what to do. It’s a bad feeling and it’s not fun.

Your son,

Rico

P.S. Sorry if this letter turned into some journal entry, it happens.