Between Lions and Men

4: glorying in the pride of flight

Helen

Dawn comes late inside the walls. They're so high, light cannot even breach them until mid morning.

And my rooms are far inside the walls. I'm well hidden. Of course I am. I have never wished to be wanted. Everything thinks that you are. That you should be something everyone wants. They think that brings glory. Or honor. They would be wrong, it seems.

I dress quickly. All dresses for my choosing. All that he picked out. Long gone are the days of chasing my twin brothers through the forest. Little care for callouses on my hands and feet, or a rip in my shirt. They cared not either. I was their sister, and fellow hunter, and friend. And for the only time in my life I thought myself an equal to men. I thought it would always be like that. I probably spoke more in those years than I have for the rest of my life. My opinion was heard then.

Of course, things changed quickly. I grew to look like a woman. And the first of many men wanted me. I was too young, he laughed. But once I got a bit bigger...

He didn't need to finish that sentence.

And I was locked away. My brothers came for me then. They freed me, and carried me off home with them. We laughed about it, we three. Like it was some anomaly. Some evil man wanted me that's all.

It was not anomaly. They all stare at my face, my breasts, drool on their lips.

My foster father found me a husband. I agreed if that would end it. I could be in my own house, with my hounds, and horses, and have children and then they wouldn't look at me anymore. Men don't look at a woman who bears children. I wouldn't be a maid anymore.

You would think that would work. You would be wrong.

This one took me away when I was having a child. Not my husband's son. We'll skip that. I look better that way. And I get to be vain. I get to do as I like if they do.

I didn't want a war. I didn't want to be kidnapped. But my brothers, who would free me, are far across the sea. I doubt if they've even heard. Or if they have, they probably assume I wanted to go and therefore they did not interfere. I was still a woman to them, and they would not deny me my desires. And they think me, for my sins, their equal in battle. Oh dear ones, this is too many. One man I could fight. Not a hundred. I don't have that much golden blood in my veins.

"Mummy!"

"How is my only joy?" I lift my son up and kiss his sweet cheeks. Dark haired like his father, but his eyes are sweet and soft like mine.

"Can we walk on the walls today?" He asks, hopefully.

"Not today I don't think. It looks something like rain," I say, snuggling him in my arms.

"Please, Uncle Hecktor is going. He said I might come," he says, hopefully, as I set him back down. Hecktor is one of the few men I hold close to a high regard. He is kind to his wife, and honorable. He's been nothing but kind to me. And he's fair to Nico and lets him play with his own little boy.

"He---it's dangerous, I don't trust their archers not to shoot a little boy."

"You said my uncles might be out there."

"Mmmhmm. That's why I don't trust the archers," I say, kissing his hair and fussing with it, "Now run along. Get ready for breakfast, all right? The other women will be up already."

"Please? I'm so bored," He sighs.

"We'll read together this afternoon, how about that?" I offer, trying to smile.

He nods a bit, but his face is still solemn.

Once he goes I return to getting dressed. Thick socks, it's damp out, and boots I think. If he's on about going outside we'll end up outside eventually.

"Enjoy the sunrise this morning, sister?"

"Don't do that," I sigh, spinning around to see the form lounging in the window, bow in one hand.

"The sunrise?" innocently, cocking an eyebrow. His messy golden hair falls nearly over his shining eyes. He's dressed as a peasant of course, but is anything but.

"Don't come into my room," I say, crossing as though to push him out the window. It wouldn't hurt him, but it would give me satisfaction.

He hops up nimbly and prances into the room, bow slung over his shoulder, "I've been out for hours. Causing trouble."

"Did you promise Nico you'd take him to the wall?" I ask. I doubt Hecktor would have. And I know full well my brother can appear as he likes.

"No. I will if you like---? I was off causing trouble, rather. Bit of charity work---well, depends on how you look at it. Whose side are you on again?" he asks, slyly.

"My own. Are you here to cause trouble?" he won't help me escape. He's having too much fun for that. And I'm sure our father forbade him from directly interfering. To date, that has never stopped him from directly interfering. However, he'll use it as an excuse.

"No. I'm here for your 'husband'," he uses quotes.

"Alexsander doesn't share my bed," he never has. Owning me is enough, it seems. Others think he has me, and that's all that matters to him. He thinks himself too beautiful to be resisted for long and is convinced he can seduce me with his non-existent charms.

"More information than I—wait he does not? Still? You're sure you're a member of this family? He's fucking gorgeous," he scoffs, looking at my dressing table.

"Have him if you like—if you're here to be disgusting with the men they're probably at the wall this early," I say.

"You're not going to be nice to me? When I bless you with my presence?" he asks, hand on his heart.

"I was nice. I just said you could have Alexsander, or any of the others for that matter. I don't want them." I want to go home. Except I don't have a home.

"Oh that's true. You were as well. Do you want word of the outside?"

"Have you seen Harmonia?" I ask.

He frowns.

"My daughter."

"Oh—the little girl. No, why?"

"Because she is a little girl, and I care about her?" and I'm locked up in here away from her?

"No, she's with her father though? Girls are strong, anyway, I was looking for Alexsander," he says, moving to leave. I don't stop him.

I put my hands to my face. I think I would feel better if I even knew how to make this life better. But I don't.