Between Lions and Men

34: i would die here and now, that I could not save my comrade

Briseis

I don't know at what point I decide to just sit outside the tent. It's like nothing matters. And Peleus returns and says 'get out' and nothing more. So I do. And I go and sit outside on the grass. And I find myself crying again.

I can't leave either of them. I also have nowhere else truly to go. How did all three of our lives become so intertwined that mine is cut short with theirs? And how do I care so very little? I stare up at the stars, watching them come out one by one, dreaming of better days that must exist somewhere, for someone. Just not for us.

Please take care of him

I sigh, wincing my tears away, "I don't know if I can promise you that."

Please, I can't anymore

"Right, because you're dead that's the problem. And he needs you," I whisper, not daring to speak louder, "Go to him."

He can't feel me. I didn't know if you could its not—this isn't easy. Its like I'm still being torn apart.

"Are you here?"

Yes.

I hold out my hand, sliding it through the grass. I feel it, like a cold brush of wind, except there is no breeze tonight. His hand gently closing over mine.

He cannot feel me. He feels nothing but his grief

"Yes, I noticed. But you still need to go on, you can't stay here," I say, gently.

I will not leave him

"It's okay, we aren't going to be okay, but you do have to," I say, leaning against him. He's not really there, but he is enough for me. "We'll learn to live somehow. I just don't know how yet."

I'm so sorry

"Me too, crazy bastard," I say, closing my eyes so I can imagine he's sitting there beside me. How many nights did we spend like this? Peleus still on a run, or lying at our feet laughing as we all pointed out stars in our different languages. I didn't realize I had a home until I lost it, and now it is gone forever.

I can't bear for him to destroy himself

"He's probably going to, he is not well. He needed you, more than I think any of us realized. But we will find our way, it isn't good for you to stay here. For whatever, cruel reason, your time is done," I say, looking off at nothing, which is all he is anymore.

I will not leave him. Do not let them bury me, not until I've spoken with him, when they do bury me, death will come for me.

"We need to let you go, and you need to let us go, all right? Give him time, and you can say goodbye, then you must go on, wait for us there," we'll probably be soon in coming given how self-destructive we are when you aren't around.

I didn't want to go.

"I know," I say, tears running down my face. I would hug him if I could. But I cannot. His body lies broken in there. But that isn't even him anymore.

I don't hear him approach but suddenly a man is beside us. He flops down on the grass and begins eating an apple, crossing his legs idly. He's not in military dress, instead long black robes, which throws me immediately into suspicion. And he's wearing a wide brimmed hat, despite the late hour. He has rust colored hair, and when he crosses his legs lazily I see winged silver shoes on his feet.

"My lord Hermes," I try to stand and bow but that feels wrong as well because I was already sitting and he's sitting and eating an apple.

"Oh sit down, I'm on a break," he says, mouth slightly full. He pulls a scroll from his pocket, "Busy night. Busy, busy, busy. Busy day as well. Do this Hermes. Go there. Tell him I said this. Go find Ares again, we all lost him. Again. Complain. Complain. Anyway, how's your night going?"