I'm On Your Side

6 | Dumplin' (iykyk)

OKAY, SO MAYBE I shouldn't have agreed to Mason's so-called invitation.

I'm standing outside in the freezing cold, waiting for Mason's red Honda to show up. I've been like this for the past five minutes and, quite honestly, I think he ditched me. I mean, I can imagine it happening. Him thinking to himself: you know what? I deserve someone better than Isha. What am I doing driving up to her house when I could get a hot chick? I'm not surprised if that actually happens. I mean, I'm not that good-looking. Hell, I'm not even skinny!

Okay, he wouldn't be thinking of something exactly like that, but he would be thinking something along those lines. I mean, if we're being honest, I don't come off as attractive, which is ironic considering the fact that I'm trying to love myself, and here I am hating myself, but you get what you get I guess.

Actually, right now―Mason ditching me and everything―reminds me of the time my former friend (if I would even call her that, we weren't that close) called our friendship quits after she found out that I called her friend suicidal.

It happened all so fast.

I remember getting a text from her during Latin class, the day after I called the girl suicidal, and my heart pumping so fast because this was the first time I'd actually been in a situation like this.

And then because I had no friends to confide to, I told the Latin teacher what happened and got sent to the nurse's office where my guidance counselor showed up to talk about what happened.

That was where the damage happened and I started crying as I attempted to explain everything to him.

Maybe I do deserve this.

Maybe it's like a reminder from the Universe for what I did. Not like I won't forget what I did because I have a brain that likes to constantly remind me of the past, so thank you for reminding me, I guess, Universe.

I turn around and look at the office window. It's funny. I kind of expected my mom to be watching me, not like she usually does. I mean, she does, but only when it's someone who she doesn't know and, like, she doesn't know who Mason is. Sure, she's seen him, but she hasn't gotten to know him.

Whatever. If Mason turns out to be a psychopath and does kill me, I wouldn't care. I mean, it's not like I have anything else to do on this planet except study and learn redundant stuff. And I dont have the courage to even kill myself, so at least someone else can do it for me.

But I guess that won't be happening.

I take one last long glance at the driveway as if Mason and his car will show up mysteriously. Like, that bus in Harry Potter that shows up after he uses magic on his uncle's sister. But then I have to remind myself that magic doesn't exist in reality.

Yeah, that's a pretty painful reality check, but it's not like I haven't been getting reality checks. And now I have another thing to add to that reality check: my crushes aren't actually into me. Not like I like Mason, but if I still did, the feeling wouldn't be reciprocated.

Yeah, that's my current state at 2:22.

To be honest, I don't even know what we were going to do anyway. I mean, was I just going to sit there on the bleachers and watch Mason play soccer? Cause, that would be boring. I could just use that time writing or watching or―

Yeah, these excuses are taking me nowhere and I guess a huge part of me was really looking forward to hanging out with Mason too because as soon as my train of thoughts stops, a rainfall of tears falls down my cheeks.

Nice. At least now I can spend a good thirty minutes in the bathroom crying instead of sulking and staring into the abyss.

Or not.