female idol ᵏⁿʲ

he

cold breath
white haze formed from hot air
fingers curling inside my coat's pocket
to keep me warm

i called him, just as promised.
and now
i'm here
a quiet park
unknown to the world
so we don't have to fear the watching eyes

a freezing breeze shoos past my cheek
and there he is
on a bench, turning as i call his name

"namjoon"

and his smile
so warm
it's an embracing summer breeze now
caressing my skin tenderly
and the trees carry cherry blossoms
and the birds are singing
the bees buzzing

and i can't help but reflect it,
my lips curling upwards in a way
they haven't done much lately
honest.

"i've brought hot chocolate with me, d'you want some?"

he swings a thermos flask,
opens it as i nod happily.

the saccharine liquid runs down my throat
ignores my managers venomous voice
don't eat sugar
count the calories
watch your weight
it's too much
not good enough

you are not good enough.

"i'm gonna leave my company"
the words tumble out
unexpected by both him and i
because i only see clearly now
that i don't want this anymore
i don't want the suppression
don't want the control
don't want the humiliation

i want to be mine

and he understands,
no question needed
because he knows the pain

"what is your dream, lee yaeri?"

dream
pictures flood my mind
fragments and pieces
words nobody has ever read
crumbled notes spread across my room

sounds that paint my walls
banging against doors, windows
but kept inside

"music. music is my dream. i write, actually. but they wouldn't let me sing my own songs. said it didn't fit with the group's concept."

and it probably doesn't
for my words are truthful
too genuine

namjoon scoffs
"i wish society wouldn't see women as these pretty objects who are there too entertain but should keep their real thoughts inside."

"someday they won't," i say, "but until then, i'll try to make a difference. use my words, my voice. you know, i always liked being on stage, the dancing, the singing, the fans cheering. i wasn't happy though. because everything was already set up, put together. and we had to just accommodate. it's not what they have promised us."

he nods and it is silent for a moment.
the world at peace
crisp air surrounding us
bare trees before our eyes
fallen leaves buried beneath a thin layer of frost
winter scenery

"i'd like to read some of your work, if that would be okay"

he's hesitant but curious
and i adore his sweet temper
the honey dripping from his words
the dimples
it's ridiculous how much i watch those indentations on the sides of his smile
little spots of happiness

"it is okay," i grin back.