Ya'aburnee

Doubt

Olivia could not enjoy the party, sitting quietly to the outskirts with a cup of tea, which had gotten cold. What was she doing? A year ago, when she'd signed onto this mission, she hadn't thought too much about it. But it had become more complicated than that now. She didn't stir as Balin sat besides her. "You don't look like you're enjoying the party." He remarked.

She picked at a hangnail around her thumb, not replying for a moment. "What if Bard is right?" She looked over at Balin. "What if we condemn these people to the same fate that befell your people years ago?"

He sighed. "I cannot say I have not wondered the same," he admitted. Trying to sound cheerful, he added, "Perhaps the dragon is dead already, and there is no risk to the people of Laketown at all."

She shook her head. "And how likely is that?"

"Not very..." Balin admitted. "Listen, lass, if you're having second thoughts..."

"I've never been worried about being killed on this quest. Never." She insisted. "In fact, I still expect to be dead before the end. But I..." She looked across the room to where Thorin stood, the dwarf not noticing her gaze, speaking to his nephews. "What does it say about me if I put the life of one over the lives of so many?"

"That you're in love." Balin didn't hesitate, the human woman spinning back to look at him.

"What?" She stammered, denying. "I don't know what you're talking about. Thorin is my friend, nothing more."

"Don't pretend you aren't," Balin replied. "You knew immediately who I was referring to."

She spluttered, looking for excuses, but came up short. Eventually, she argued, "A little silly to be in love with someone who's a pig-headed moron."

He chuckled slightly. "You're just insulting him because your afraid to admit how you feel." Balin stated matter-of-factly. "You did the same when he faced Azog." He was right, she realized. Whenever she thought she might loose him, or whenever the feelings got too uncomfortably real to handle, she tried to think about how it wouldn't be so bad to loose him, about how annoying he could be, and how he was so different from the type of person she thought she'd fall in love with.

"It doesn't matter anyways..." She wasn't going to bother arguing with Balin any longer, staring at Thorin again across the room. "We are nearing the end of our quest. He will become king, and eventually, I will have to leave..."

"Who says you have to leave lass?" Balin asked her, and tears rose into her eyes, but did not fall.

"Would your people truly accept me as one of their own?" She shook her head, sniffling. She set her cup down and stood. "No, I know my place, Balin. I will fight with you to the end, but I do not expect to be seen as a Dwarrow." She smiled sadly. 

"Olivia..." He tried to interrupt, but she cut him off.

"I am going to retire. Thorin said he wished to leave at dawn, and I want to keep my strength. Goodnight, Balin." She bowed to him respectfully, and turned to walk away.

"Goodnight lass," he sighed.

She slipped through the crowd, out towards the hallway. They were all given rooms to stay in within the town hall building, as 'guests of honor.' They'd been supplied with armor, save Olivia, who was largely ignored. She thought that it was probably because she was a woman, so the people didn't seem to see her as an important member of the company.

"Leaving so soon?" A voice from behind her made her halt a few feet down the hallway, the door swinging shut, the sound of the party fading quickly into the background. She heard Thorin's boots on the floor behind her, slowly walking up to her.

"I'm pretty tired," She said, not trusting her expression, so she stayed facing away.

He grabbed her arm and turned her gently, studying her expression. "All night you have looked like you were attending a funeral."

She scoffed slightly, "I feel like I am." She admitted, pulling her arm back from his grasp as she looked at him. She was feeling a bit defensive, after her talk with Balin, and a little mad at Thorin, although it wasn't really fair, because she hadn't even spoken to him about her concerns.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "It's only natural to be afraid..."

"I'm not afraid!" She shouted, and Thorin was taken aback by her outburst. So was she, if she was honest. He had never known her to raise her voice, especially not at him. "I'm not afraid to die! Hell, I didn't think I was going to make it this long, I honestly didn't. But I..." A lump formed in her throat as she turned away, clenching her hands over her chest, as if she could claw the pain out of her heart. "What if we kill these people, Thorin?" In her head, she saw the houses on fire, people burning, and slowly, the houses morphed into her childhood home, and the townsfolk morphed into her family.

"You are worried because of what the bargeman said," Thorin concluded.

"No," She spun to face him. "I'm worried because we're on the way to wake a sleeping dragon!" She pointed in the direction of the mountain, "It hasn't been awake in 60 years, and will be angry at being awakened, and the closest thing it can take it's anger out on is a helpless, run-down town." Her voice broke, tears spilling down her face. Thorin's expression was blank, and she could tell he was trying very hard not to let out his anger. In the back of her mind, she realized that it might look to him like a betrayal. She didn't expect a reply from him, after he had held his anger for about half a minute, so she turned, continuing to walk to her room to get some sleep.

"Olivia." His voice stopped her instantly in her tracks. Oh, she hated how he could do this to her. She choked out a sob, putting a hand over her mouth, clutching her stomach with the other. She felt like she was being torn in two. She had never felt such fierce loyalty for another person before, but she also had been so close to becoming a doctor, the mantra 'do no harm' echoed into her head. 'Don't wake something that you know will cause harm' seemed a similar enough sentiment. 

His footsteps echoed towards her, this time stopping behind her, waiting for her to turn of her own accord. "There has always been the risk of casualties along the way."

"But we signed up for this..." Her voice wavered. "These people did not. Bard did not, Tilda did not." She thought of the young girl, fists clenching at her sides. "If any of them die... the blood is on our hands..." 

Thorin was silent for a while, deciding what to say. "If you do not wish to continue, I understand." 

She swallowed, blinking her tears away. After a moment, she let out a dry laugh, rubbing the tears from her cheeks. Oh, she was so screwed. She turned to Thorin, who was looking up at her, confused. She let herself get lost in his eyes for a moment, the bleak look in her eyes softening into the velvety ocean blue. "No," She said after a moment. "You have begun to rub off on me; I am too stubborn now for my own good." She smiled wryly, but the expression quickly turned warm. She let her eyes flutter shut as she sighed. "I will bear whatever guilt I must, when this is over. But I will not let you face a dragon alone."

Her eyes still shut, she felt his fingers hesitantly flutter over her own, taking her hand in his. He squeezed her hand gently, and she squeezed it back. "I promise you, kibil-kheled, whatever lay in that mountain, or after it, we will face it together."

She swallowed and nodded, opening her eyes. As her eyes fell upon his face, she openly admitted to herself for the first time that she had indeed fallen in love with him. And how could she not, when he had always looked after her, come after her when she was feeling down, and now, how he looked at her, eyes warm, and gentle, his calloused hands holding her own. And his voice. The warmth and richness of it as he spoke to her. "Goodnight, Olivia." He brought her hand to his lips, leaving a lingering kiss to the back of her hand before he gently dropped it, bowing his head to her and walking away, back down the hallway.

She sighed, unable to keep the smile from gracing her lips as her eyes fluttered closed that night. Saving him had become not just a mission, but a need.