Chapter 8

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He expected John to bring his walls down, but the tears he saw was just a momentary slip. John didn't opened anything up, and Arlo couldn't really bring himself to take advantage of his drunkenness to ask.

Arlo assumed that the man became a bit sober during his bath. John just suddenly stared at him in a steady gaze, telling him that he can handle taking care of himself.

In the end, he just left him alone at the bathroom, and John came out minutes after when he was done. They spent the next following minutes in silence, until John finally laid down on his mattress to sleep.

Arlo just lets him be, deciding that it's best for John to rest. Arlo also fell asleep right after.

Almost as if yesterday didn't happened, John was back on his usual self when he woke-up.

"My head hurts like hell." John complained, his hand still rubbing his eyes.

"And whose fault is that?" Arlo asked, "I don't think it's wise for you to drink a lot when you can't seem to handle alcohol well."

John looked offended by what he said. He briefly opened his mouth to argue but he appeared to have changed his mind, sighing instead.

"John, I'm saying this out of my concern to you but please-"

"Concern? But said before you're not concerned about me."

Why does John remember every single thing he says? What does John even want him to say?

"Look John, do you really want me to say this? Do you really want to hear this...?"

John slowly nodded his head. His gaze, fixed on him.

"I do care about you."

"But...why?"

"I don't know, John just-  I haven't figured 'this' out." Arlo admitted, "I know that you know by now that I'm attracted to you. I just, don't know how deep it goes."

He was waiting for John to respond, by he suddenly became silent. He couldn't read his expression at all, John was just staring at him with.

"About last night, I'm sorry about my joke. It went too far."

"I don't need your apology... I'm feeling hungry, I'll just go outside for a bit and eat."

Is John going to avoid him again?

Arlo should just confront him on the things that he's been trying to avoid, and their feelings that they're trying to dance around. The pushing and pulling... and they are always walking on the edge. He wanted John to be honest for once.

When John started walking towards the door, he grabbed him on his wrist.

"Don't avoid me. I know that you're also attracted to me." he started,  "You were hurt by what I did last night.. because you have feelings for me."

"Stop- what are going on about?!"

"That night at the reunion... I remember. You're the one who initiated the kiss, and asked me to take you and make you forget. That night, you asked me to run away with you, but I know that you were going to leave regardless."

Confronted with the truth, John had no choice but to turn his head and see him eye to eye.

"So what if I am?"

"If I didn't come with you..." Arlo gripped John's wrist tighter, "You're not planning to return ever again. You're planning to end it all."

Arlo had a hunch about it. The reckless things that John did, and the way he's acting as if he doesn't care about what happens anymore, and him being persistent on 'hiding what they have done' before, it was just a front. Because it was clear what his true objective was.

Tears started falling on John's face. He attended the reunion, because he wanted to see his friends for the last time. He kissed Arlo because he wanted to give in on his desires, even if it's just once. When he woke up next to him, he was planning to leave at that night. That way, Arlo would just assume that he's just hiding the fact that they slept together, and in the long run... Maybe Arlo would just give up on pretending and tell them what he thinks he knows, that he's just hiding. Soon, maybe they'll forget about him.

John just wasn't expecting him to come with him at all. Arlo wasn't supposed to care about him... but it gave him a bit of hope to go on for a bit. Did he knew by then? Is that why he kept on looking for him whenever he leaves? Is that why he told him to tell him where he'll go?

John had a lot of questions, but he only managed to ask one.

"How... how did you know?"

It was a question that Arlo wasn't willing to answer. With the blond's hands still on his wrist, Arlo just pulled him into a hug. They stayed like that for a long time, as John silently cried on his chest.

He had nothing left. He had nothing to return to. He couldn't become normal, and he keeps on hurting and being violent on everyone around him. Whenever he closes his eyes he gets nightmares. He pretended to be okay in front of Sera, but she's starting to caught on it too. There was a period where they dated before, but she's too important for him, and they were better off as friends.

She's busy on her own life, just live everyone goes on about their own. But John, John was stucked. He tried being a writer like his father, but the works that he made felt so shallow. It wouldn't be able to reach anyone, when it couldn't even reach himself. He lives everyday just for the sake of being alive. Everything was monotone, and he couldn't make it meaningful. He couldn't change into a better person, and he's still haunted by everything. He's still filled with guilt.

He has no one to cry on. No one to share his pain with.

Why did Arlo have to act like he cared at that night? Why did he have to give him hope?

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[Note]

I'm very sorry.

-Pleasant_illusion

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