Living as Four (Polyamory and brown skin)

Conflict resolution Part 3

Mira did not like the way Copia left. The screaming and the throwing of objects  put her into a trauma  state from her childhood. That combined with Copia's abrupt leaving Mira felt left behind and in the dark. While Neta did her best to console Mira and pass down the little bit of information that Copia had left for the both of them, it was not enough soften the blow. 

Staring at the table she said, "For seven days I have been fighting my thoughts, memories, and voices inside my head to the point where I could not even go to work Copia. I was so worried about you and about me and everyone in this house to where I couldn't even function properly." Mira wrapped her arms around her torso and her breaths got shallow.

"And yes part of that is my trauma nd my anxiety, but If you were able to leave so abruptly without even telling us what was happening or if you were even coming back. Do we even mean anything to you? Do I mean anything to you Copia? Are the past two years mean nothing to you?"

Copia was silent for a good long time before put her head in her hands. I didn't know if she was crying or taking time to regroup until, she lifted her head, eyes puffy with tears brimming, still conviction to be understood stood out in those brown irises. 

"I... Mira I am so sorry for triggering you like that before I left. You know how I get when I'm mad it can sometimes cloud my actions. I should have checked in with you with both of you. I had the time to, the airplane could have waited. There was a lot going on....." Copia, looked to the side curled her lips in ward in repetition as if she was mulling over what to say next. 

"Fuck." she growled before blowing out a breath . Catching the eye of Neta and Mira, " Never, never think that I'd leave you! Sandra just left me but I was not going back home for her, strictly family business nothing more than that alright? And I came back, didn't I? I brought you all gifts." She spread her arms out like she had done everything she could do quickly patch things up before resting her hands on her lap.

 " I am with you all for the long haul and you both supported me though my breakup and so Ill do whatever it takes to get you all to believe in me again, but I am still me Copia. I still have my own issues but I'll try to communicate things my properly for all our sakes so we don't have to go through this type of pain again, okay?"

Neta and Mira nodded their heads and sighs of relief filled the room. A group hug was initiated but I was not interested in hugging Copia. I maneuvered myself in a way to hug Netarute and the back of Mira before removing myself to allow the three of them really solidfy the conversation by themselves.

 I was mostly satisfied by our conversation. I had spoken sincerely and therefore had little to no regrets. I made a quick escape my room. I headed for the stairs and after taking a hot shower I dumped myself onto my bed.

I brokenly whispered in to my pillow, "I don't want to live life for my relationship. I want to live life.  I have to take care of myself and does that mean I should walk away this?"

I stared up at the blurry ceiling remembering all the fear, pain, isolation, and confusion from the days before. Those moments were now over and Neta and Mira would now be happier. Fuller than before. Tears fell falling to my ears as gravity pushed them down. As I pleaded with the gods to never let this happen again. This was fucked up and I do not think I could stand another round.

=============================================

On Sunday morning, I left the house early morning.

I drove to the beach and sat in the sand mulling things over. I tried to be objective. If it had been Netarute who had left in a sudden outburst, would I have forgiven her?

Yes, I would, I thought honestly. I loved her as she loved Copia. They also knew much more than I did about the situation. Maybe Copia had a perfectly acceptable excuse for taking off and maybe their sadness was just them over missing her and not them mourning the end of their relationship. But that explanation didn't satisfy me. The women were too sad. Copia was too angry. The pieces just didn't fall right but may it was not my place to rationalize their actions. We talked it over and the emotions and apologies seems genuine.

Maybe I should just let these feelings of grief go? And I did just that. On that beach, I let go of my angst and grief into the sand. I let the ocean take my sadness and let the wind take away my anger for none of these emotions would serve me well going back into that house.

Things pretty much went back to normal. I went back to sleeping in Netarute's bed. Copia and I did not talk a lot but I got a nod here and there. It was like she was appreciative of how I handled things. 

I went about business as usual. I scheduled museums, art classes, and small commercial shoots for the next few weeks. I continued my blog about my fashion life and my alternative modeling business.