make me stay.

forty

♜

how do we know that what we feel is love?

we know, and we understand why tears mean sadness. we understand that yelling means frustration, anger and least of all, a state of desperation. the growl in our stomaches inform us that we should feed, and the dryness of our throat and tongue scream the word; water.

but what word is screamed when we found ourselves in love? what kind of tears show affection?

there is no hunger, no thirst, no tears, no voice to identify the evolution happening between our bones and flesh, deep within our cells. perhaps, even our cells have been left out of this process, which could be taking place between our physical being. the bones, the blood, the vessels and the fatty tissue that makes the physical part of us.

because being in love feels exactly like not being. it doesn't growl in your stomach, it doesn't hurt your bones, it doesn't dry your throat. it makes your entire body feel like it has been set on fire, but it hasn't.

every other emotions, identifiable emotion, is mixed in with the other, and suddenly, you crave what you cannot crave. you gain desires which you cannot fulfil. you hunger what cannot be eaten.

you come to believe and even feel, that you need that person that you love. you are made to believe that it would not be possible to live without them anymore, and then, you do, when you have no other choice.

love is hunger. love is thirst, sadness, anger, desperation, happiness and then again, it is nothing at all.

"you love her," coast spoke, lighting the tobacco currently stuffed inside the opening in his cigaret. he stood leaned up against my wall, covering it with his hand as the flame wouldn't hang onto the cigaret. 

"how do i know that i do?" i replied, not caring to turn around. the smoke he exhaled would eventually spread to every corner of the room, and i would make sure it reached me last. he knew how i hated the grey smoke created, but he couldn't care enough to smoke when i wasn't in the room. 

"are you in doubt, my king?"

"no. i simply need to have her understand it as well," i said, my shoulders falling back into their flexed position. how would i convince her whilst acting up a romance with another woman? 

"do you need me to reassure you, so you don't fool her again?" the noble spoke, his voice lowering with every word. coast was one of the best nobles i had in my cabinet. he was shut-off emotionally, and a highly intelligent man. he couldn't understand my love for maire-grace, but i wouldn't expect him to. he was one of the few nobles whom had been raised for the role by a noble himself. one of my father's nobles had been his father, and therefore, coast had not once been allowed to act like anything else than what his future role. 

"i never fooled her. i was sincere from beginning to end, coast." my words had a tone behind them, the slight growl that had pinned the general up against a wall last time. bruises still decorated his neckline as he walked the halls with his head bowed, but coast wouldn't bruise as easily. he was one of the few that dared to talk to me on a day as today. my frustration vibrated on the outside of my clothes as i struggled with containing the anger that followed. 

"then why be in doubt now, my king?" he took a slow draft from the cigaret, blowing out clear grey. 

"because, as i said, it ended. i turned my attention onto other women, women below her, as i knew. i forgot her name by moaning others. my sincerity and the love i felt for her had no value to me." i paused, feeling my throat close up. the dryness of thirst.

my breathing had become heavy as i had reminded myself of my mistakes. i had never had a choice in leaving her, but fooling myself into seeing her as a small piece of stone on a beach, had been my own doing completely. i hadn't just lost her, i had erased every reason she would have had to forgive me when we reconnected. i had erased our future, and she held the choice to deciding if i would be paying the consequences for the rest of my ruling. 

she would never understood just how important she was to the mountain. just like i would never truly be able to understand how she felt inside, how her grey had shaped her from the inside and out, but the mountain did. a piece of her had been formed by the mountain, connecting her to me as well as the roots of our home. yesterday, at the welcoming ball, was the first time it had truly showed. i had had a seamstress carefully sew a smaller stone into her dress to calm her for the evening, but it hadn't worked as it had needed to. i had laced it with my powers, which would make her feel a bit off, perhaps tired, but it should have slowed her down as much as possible so that the evening wouldn't take such a toll on her. when she had seen me alongside maeve, the pure rage i felt off of her had reflected on the castle. cracks had run along the floors, ceiling, and panic had spread quickly. she hadn't even known that it had been her doing. i hadn't even been worried about the castle nor the guests, my first thought went to her. 

"go now," i had told nathaniel when we met him at the bottom of the stairs. maeve had just addressed the panic which had calmed the situation the tiniest bit, but we all knew that the castle would continue to be torn apart alongside her. "take care of her," nathaniel had nodded, moving towards her in a run with two guards behind him. he didn't agree with my decisions and i wasn't even sure that i did myself, but he understood the situation. his opinions did not matter currently. 

i continued to betray her, and i knew she wouldn't understand. harry and coast had been unsuccessful in convincing her to leave before maeve officially took over. it would have been easier for her to leave on her own terms because i knew that soon, i wouldn't be able to let go of her. i had already kept her here for too long. 

"i believe that your worry is trivial, my king." coast spoke, breaking my train of thought. "you have managed to convince me of your love for her countless times and even now, as you are moments away from marrying another woman."

at this time, i turned around. i met the eyes of my noble, the man whom had, in a way, been in his position since birth. he had seen my father be crowned alongside me. he had seen his king marry my mother, and had witnessed every birth and crowning of the sons that resulted. he had seen us get sent away from the kingdom, had seen us return as well, and now, it had come to this. 

a man whom you would believe had seen everything there would be to see, was my first hand witness to something none of us never would experience again. a king marrying a woman to make her a queen. both our fathers had dragged us along to every crowning, marriage and anything else to prepare us for a life in the castle, but never, could they have prepared us for this. 

"it should not have come to this," i sighed, offering myself a single glance in the mirror. the smoke would soon infest the suit i had been dressed in, but it had dawned upon me in the time being that it did not matter.

she would marry me despite smell, appearance and even the love that i did not feel for her. she would marry me with the love of my life standing right next to me. 

and she was going to.