Katie's Cafe

30

It's still pretty early in the evening, but with my mood this low I'd already text Hannah to let her know that I'm going to and get something to eat before heading back home alone.

I'm certain that she'd already mentioned something to me earlier about spending the night at one of her friends houses anyway, so I won't have to wait up for her later.

"AJ my usual please!" I shout when I walk into my favourite place, as usual.

I'm frankly shocked beyond belief when Tom unexpectedly comes walking in not too long after me, and orders something to eat as well. It looks as though his former food snob status has finally faded away with time.

"Fancy seeing you in here," I laugh in disbelief.

"I really like their chips," he smiles.

"I'm so proud of you".

We remain awkwardly silent for a while while we both wait. You'd assume it would be a lot easier to talk to someone that you'd had sex with many times before, but it really isn't.

"Are you going for a taxi after this?" he finally speaks.

"No, I think I'll walk".

"It's getting dark outside. You can't walk all the way back home by yourself".

"Says who?"

"Says me. I'll walk with you."

I deeply regret choosing to wear these heels tonight. The longer it takes to get back home, the more my feet are killing me. Why didn't I just pay for a taxi?

Although, this was my chance to finally say something to Tom, and I didn't want to mess it up this time.

"Tom, there's something I want to say to you".

"Yes?"

"I'm really sorry".

"Sorry for what?"

"For being a massive bitch towards you last week. I was feeling crappy about myself and I took it out on you".

"I get it. Things in life can get overwhelming sometimes, even for me".

"They do?"

"Unfortunately. I can always tell when things are getting too much for me because I get this sudden urge to start jogging again".

"You never told me you like to jog?"

"It really helps clears my head. I just put my headphones in, set off running, and by the time I'm finished, I always feel a lot better".

"How did you get in to that?"

"I joined the cross country team in college and I found that it really helped me to stay focused. I've even ran a couple of marathons before".

"That's pretty impressive. I wish I had a coping mechanism that wasn't as self destructive as drinking".

"You should come jogging with me sometime? You might like it".

"Maybe I will. I don't think I'll ever be fit enough to run a marathon though".

"You never know, you could surprise yourself".

I'm a little disheartened once we turn the next corner and I can see my apartment building in the distance. I wanted to carry on this conversation with him.

"Do you want to come up?"

"I thought you needed time?"

"I know but I really want to talk to you about something important".

When I unlock my door, I realise this is the first time that Tom's stepped foot inside of my apartment. It's small and nicely furnished, but it's a bit crappy compared to his house.

There's a tension in the air as we eat our food in silence on the sofa. Even when we've finished and I've made him a cup of tea, I really don't know what to say.

I should just give him some honesty like I did before when I told him about my past. It brought us closer together then, so maybe it might help us now?

"I still want to be in a relationship with you, Tom. Being with you has been incredible, but it's also really scary for me because I've never had anything like this in my life before".

"I understand".

"I'm constantly worried that I don't deserve to be this happy, and it's never been easy for me to talk about my emotions or open up to anybody really".

"Can I say something now?"

"Go ahead".

"After Anna died, I honestly thought I'd never be able or want to connect with anyone like I did with her again. That was until the first day I met you".

"Really?"

"Yes".

It felt good to talk about this.

"But I've noticed that sometimes when it comes to the emotional side of our relationship, you do have a tendency to use sex as a distraction".

"I do?"

"You did it that day you thought about drinking, and it's not the first time either".

"I didn't mean to".

Sleeping with him that day had made me feel better, so looking back on it, I'd essentially used him like men used to use me. The only difference is that I didn't pay him afterwards.

"If we're going to make this work, then I think we should hold back on the physical side of our relationship. At least for a little while".

"I suppose you're right. I'm pretty sure that our sex life went from zero to one sixty pretty quickly," I laugh.

"It's not that the sex isn't amazing between us, but like I've told you before, I want us to be more than that".

"What do you want us to be?"

"I wouldn't have asked you to come away with me for the weekend if I wasn't already in love with you, Sara," he smiles.

Did he really just say that? He's actually in love with me?'

"You're in love with me?" I ask in disbelief.

"Is that going to be a problem?" he chuckles.

"Not really, because I'm in love with you too," I confess like a shy, lovesick teenager.

"Does that mean I can start coming back to the cafe now? I've really missed seeing you everyday".

"Of course you can," I lean in and give him a gentle kiss.

This would normally be a moment where we'd go straight to bed together, but I want this to work. If holding back is what I have to do, then I'll happily do it for him.

Everything between us had been so intense before, but with everything else going on, I couldn't handle it. At least this time around I had a clean slate, a dishonest one, but still clean.

"Will you still come to the coast with me next weekend?"

"You didn't cancel it?"

"No. I hoped we could work things out between us before then. That was the real reason I came to that takeaway tonight, I thought you might be in there".

"Stalk much?"

"So, is that a yes?"

"Yes, I'll still come with you".

"First things first. I need you to promise me that there will be no more secrets between us, no more lies".

"I promise".

"That's especially if you ever feel yourself having the urge to drink again, because you have nothing to be ashamed of, alright?"

"Okay," I start to cry suddenly, and he holds me tightly.

I love him so much in this moment that it hurts. Having my emotions laid bare in front of him felt like having an exposed wound for all to see. Hopefully now it can finally start to heal.