Meet Me in Heaven's Stairway

Chapter 1

What, crush? What am I? A kid?

The program ended at 3PM. The first first week of class is for orientation and student's week. May iba't ibang programs na ginawa  ang mga Student Counsel for the students especially para sa mga first year 'gaya ko.

Pero hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit nasabi ko na crush ko 'yong lalaki kanina. Maybe because he got my attention. Maybe because ngumiti siya sa akin or noong nasa hallway ako and I saw him. Or what?

And crush?

Parang hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko, ah. I shook my head to let go of that thought only to see him walking towards my direction... or feeling ko lang 'yun?

I don't know but I could feel my ribcage getting broken because of my unusual heartbeat. Kinakabahan ba ako o ano? And why would I?

I'm a grown woman and I'll be turning eighteen and I shouldn't act like this. For the first time in my life, nakaramdam ako nang ganito.

And it's more frustrating than the usual feelings I have. Nakakatakot pero napakasarap.

I changed my route. I was planning to buy snacks in the cafeteria but upon seeing him, hindi na ako tumuloy. Even though I am very hungry and my little snakes in my stomach are growling like a lion.

I sat on the bench na nadaanan ko ngayon. I don't have a class for one week because of the events. So instead of getting bored during my first week as a college student, I indulged myself with the serenity and the beautiful scenery to where I am now. Refreshing saka nakakawala ng stress and perceived ideas ang sariwang hangin na ibinubuga ng mga puno.

Nakatulala lang ako at ninanamnam ang sariwang hangin nang may biglang mag-abot sa akin ng isang supot. Tinignan ko ang mukha niya at laking gulat ko nang makilala ko kung sino siya.

"Sa'yo na 'to. Mukhang hindi ka pa kumakain, e" Magiliw niyang sabi sa akin.

Ni hindi ko man lang maabot ang supot na may laman na pagkain dahil sa pagkamangha ko habang nakatitig sa kaniya. Tapos ang lakas pa nang tibok ng puso ko. Naririnig niya kaya 'yon?

Tinaasan niya ako nang kilay dahil hindi ko kinuha sa kaniya ang pagkain. Ang akala ko ay babawiin niya 'yun pala ay kinuha niya lang sa plastic ang siopao na nasa loob. Inabot niya sa akin ang siopao at tinanggap ko naman ito dahil biglang kumalam ang tiyan ko.

"Thank you," I said softly.

Get back to your senses, Thessa! Ano ka ba naman?!?

Ang akala ko ay aalis na siya pero bigla siyang umupo sa tabi ko. Lumayo kaagad ako sa kaniya kaya napalingon siya sa akin.

"Wala akong sakit, ah!" Sabi niya natatawa.

How could he act like that and I couldn't?

I saw him get his phone inside his pocket. I thought he's going to call someone, but he played a song instead.

"When I was younger I saw my daddy cry and cursed out the wind," He sang along.

My eyes widen that I almost laugh. He can't sing for goodness sake! Feel na feel niya pa ang pagkanta because he's closing his eyes and all of that gestures when someone's holding a concert.

He stopped singing and looked at me. Amusement was written in his eyes. Then he smirked.

I was out of the world for a second because of what he did. This guy, really! He never failed to caught me off guard.

"Wala namang masama sa pagkanta kahit sintunado, ah? Bakit mo'ko pinagtatawanan?" May halong pagtatampo sa boses niya. 

Nagulat ako and I was about to explain nang tumawa siya. Like he really laughed. So loud.

"Look at your face!" He pointed my face. I frowned.

I stood up and picked-up my things. Walang salitang umalis ako. I had this thought in mind na susundan niya ako just like in the movies or in the books, pero hindi gano'n ang nangyari. Nang lumingon ako ay nando'n lang siya. Nakatulala kagaya ko kanina. Ang kaibahan lang namin ay may background music siya.

Maaga akong umuwi sa bahay. Sobrang tahimik ng bahay namin na animo walang taong nakatira doon. I searched for my mother everywhere pero hindi ko siya nakita kaya umakyat na lang ako sa kwarto ko. Nakasalubong ko naman ang isa sa mga step-sisters ko. Si Amanda.

"Oh, the legal daughter is here na pala!" She put emphasis to the word 'legal' as she said that.

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at pumasok na lang ako sa kwarto ko. Really, I am only close to my mother. Even the maids ay hindi ko ka-close. Well, si Mang Flavio close-close kami no'n e.

Nag-shower ako at nagpalit ng pambahay na damit. Bumaba ako para sa haponan. Dapat 6PM ay nakapaghaponan na kaming lahat dahil kung hindi, magagalit si papa.

Speaking of him, I saw him in the dining room with my mother. I could hear the heavy breathing of my mom as my father is talking to him. It seems like they were arguing over something.

I don't want to meddle so I exited the dining room and went to the veranda. It's not the first time seeing them arguing. There's a time na may father hurts my mom physically but I didn't do anything to protect her. I'm too scared that I ran towards my room and cried all night.

Masakit makitang sinasaktan ni papa si mama. Pero ni minsan hindi sinaktan ni mama si papa no'ng nagkamali si papa. She's the one who apologized just to save our family. My mom said it's for my sake but she didn't asked me if I wanted it.

I skipped dinner. I know he'll be mad but I am madder than him! Kaya pinili kong umiwas.

Nakaramdam ako nang mahinang pagtapik sa balikat ko kaya napalingon ako upang makita kung sino 'yon.

"Thessa...anak..."I saw my mother. There's a hint of tears in her beautiful eyes. Like she had cried a gallon.

I remained silent. Ayaw kong magsalita dahil baka masaktan ko lang si mama sa mga sasabihin ko. Sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko nang makita ko siya. There's something inside me na may gustong-gustong gawin pero hindi ko alam kung ano 'yon.

"Kumain ka na," She smiled at me but it didn't reach her eyes. Alam ko na nasasaktan si mama pero hindi niya magawang sabihin sa'kin. Naiitindihan ko naman pero gusto kong malaman niya na gusto kong alamin kung bakit nagkakaganito siya.

But I felt like I wasn't able to speak at this moment as I saw my mom sobs in front of me. Like all her defenses shattered.

"Ma..." I whined.

I scolded myself for being weak. I hated myself for not being able to protect my mother. I should have known. I should have noticed.

Dapat sana inalam ko kung ano ang problema. Dapat sana nagtanong ako. Dapat sana nanatili ako sa tabi niya nang mga oras na 'yon.

"I'm...okay, anak. Sige na... pumasok ka na," Sabi niya sa akin habang pinupunasan ang mga luha niya.

"But..."  She cut me off . "Mahal na mahal ka ni mama, Thessa. Kahit anong mangyari magpatuloy  ka lang. Babantayan kita at susuportahan sa lahat ng gusto mo." Ngumiti siya sa akin at itinulak ako papasok ng bahay.

That was the last thing I have ever heard from her. Iyon din ang huling sandali na makikita ko ang mukha niya. The was the last time na naramdaman ko na mahal niya ako. Na inaalagaan niya ako. Na hindi ako nag-iisa.

Until her last breath.

My mom died when I woke up earlier in the morning.

She took her own life.