Way Too Much, Seriously...

*the story*

I don't believe that my emotions ever matured.

I've truly convinced myself that I have teenage emotions, emotions I should have been moved on from.

"You've never truly healed from past situations since I first met you. A lot of trauma and suffering. You have a tendency of suppressing just about anything that upsets you, you say you have teenage emotions but I don't think so. You just haven't healed properly.

When you made this poem, you were speaking to him. How does he correlate with the title?"

Being with him felt like I was in a high school relationship. I don't know if it's because he's also suffered from past childhood trauma and depression growing up, so all of that falls into our relationship?

However the pain felt familiar and different.

I think it was different because this is a relationship where I was vulnerable and allowed myself to be seen, and I've never done that before so whenever he hurt me it felt like I was going to lose someone I truly needed.

It always felt like I was walking on eggshells when I was with him, I never knew if I did something wrong or if I was about to mess something up.

I was just cautious with everything.

In a weird way I always felt he knew he ran the relationship, he knew I could get mad at him and easily stop because I didn't want him to feel bad about what he did.

It pained me watching him be upset about his actions, some wouldn't care. They would want they're partner to know in full detail how much they fucked up.

But for me I couldn't do that.

I'd rather talk to him calmly than yell at him, even though my blood could be boiling...I still would calm myself down.

I was never satisfied with myself for him either, I would tell myself he could do so much better. He could be with someone who is more mature, prettier, smarter and more physically fit.

Someone who isn't struggling with they're mental health.

Because you know me, I'm a handful man *laughs*

"But you never believed he was a handful as well?"

No he is definitely a handful, but I always saw it as..I was more of a handful than him.

I always knew I wanted a real and raw adult relationship but I also have a fear of growing up, so I know I play a part in my own pain. Because I could have handled things differently.

I should have never made excuses for him when I knew he was wrong.

I should have never been afraid of tackling our issues like adults.

I should have never held back, maybe then things would have gone down a different path.

I guess the moral of the story is, if I'm ever going to learn and grow as a person and want certain things..I have to face my anxiety head on and open up more wounds.