Kerosene Heart

Delilah

Yesterday afternoon, I helped dig a grave for my baby
The ground was hard, like it didn't want me to bury her
And I thought 'me neither'

I wish I was the one going into the ground

And then, before that, I held her for 3 hours and took a nap with her
I cuddled her for the last time, and it was difficult. She was getting colder and she was heavy. When she didn't hug me back like she used to, it was strange and it hurt.
And I thought 'this is wrong'

I wish I was the one who was heavy and cold

And when I found her, outside in the yard, laying there, warm from the sun and still from death
I couldn't think anything.
There were no words, only the sounds someone makes when their heart is breaking and they lose the will to live.
Only after did I think, 'its okay' as I shushed her in her silence and tried to calm her stiff body as I cradled her and through sobs and a tear choked throat, I let her know as much, I told her it would be alright

I wish I had choked on my tears

She was warm from the sun
Then I warmed her with my body
And her ears weren't stiff
So she must've been okay
Even if as she cooled down her head began to loll around if I moved
At first I even thought she might've still been with me, but that was just my breathing moving her

I wish I couldn't breath
I wish I couldn't see
I wish I couldn't feel
I wish I was over
I wish I was gone
I wish it had been me
I want to die with her
I want to leave here
I want her back
I want her here
I want her with me
I want her
I need her

What am I supposed to do without her?
Without my sweet baby
Without my good girl
She was 1 year and 7 months
She was too young
I thought I would have years
At least 10 more
But I only had one and a half

I still remember when I would take her out of my room, and she would hold onto me so hard she would scratch me on accident
I wish she had left a bigger mark on me
And I still remember when she first let me cradle her because she knew I liked it, and when she began to tolerate my kisses, even pushed her forehead to my lips just to get me to let her go when previously she would push on my face to get me away.

Her babies are gone, I don't want to keep them, they aren't her, they'll never be her, but I'm glad they didn't follow her through the window into the backyard.
I'm glad they know to stay away from the dogs

I'm scared, when I give away her children, I will be alone
I won't have anyone to cuddle, but even if I did, it isn't her.
I won't have anyone to give kisses, but even if I did, it isn't her.
I won't have anyone to dance with, but even if I did, it isn't her.

Doesn't she know I need her?

How could she leave me?

Yesterday afternoon, I helped dig a grave for my baby
The ground was hard, like it didn't want me to bury her
And I ignored it and I dug.
And when the hole was deep enough, when it was wide enough, my mom helped me to put her tiny box in the ground.
It was small, like the grave size of a child.
And I thought, 'how fitting' as we covered the box with dirt and tears and said goodbye, to my sweet Delilah.

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I love you baby, and I'm gonna miss you everyday of forever. You're my most beautiful good girl and I hope that you're waiting for me wherever you are, I'll be there soon.

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Sorry this isn't really a poem, and it came out a little weird because I can't really put my feelings into words. If I were to post anything about how I feel it would be an audio recording of screaming and crying, and I'd rather not show the world that side of my pain. You can think of this as a freestyle poem or just skip it if it's not your thing but yes, Delilah is a cat and she was like my baby, she helped me get through my depression, and I'm scared I'll fall back into that bottomless pit now that she's gone. I might end up posting more things like this, because this is an outlet for my feelings or I might just write about her when she was alive. Either way if you think this is bad, it doesn't even begin to describe my feelings now or my feelings yesterday and definitely couldn't describe my future feelings on the matter. However bad you assume I'm feeling, it's probably 10x worse. If you've lost someone extremely close to you before or your only comfort in this damned world, then maybe you understand. I'm not trying to belittle anyone's feelings, but please don't belittle mine.