Mischief Managed

6: Breakdown Before Breakfast

It's almost like being around such beauty has made it impossible for me to feel negativity.

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When Remus and I stepped through the portrait hole, Lily and Dorcas were glaring at us from their seats by the fireplace.  Before I could react, Remus steered me towards Sirius and James, who were sitting by the window. James was staring at Lily with glazed-over expression.

"S'alright, mate. She'll come around eventually," Sirius was saying comfortingly.

"I'm not giv-" started James, pausing when he spotted Remus and I walking towards him.

Sirius coughed awkwardly, motioning towards our joined hands. We pulled ours away in unison. My face began to redden.

"It's-It's not like that," I stuttered.

Remus nodded, his cheeks also tinted a light crimson.

"Lily just said some really-" he looked at me, and I shook my head slightly. "-nasty things to Bree, and I was helping her get over them," he finished.

I dropped my gaze to my feet, grateful that Remus hadn't told James and Sirius exactly what I'd told him.

Unfortunately, Sirius wasn't satisfied.

"What did Lily say to you?" he asked.

"Nothing you need to know, Sirius," I said, hoping that he wouldn't pry further. I already felt guilty enough for confessing my insecurities to Remus.

"But why can't you tell me?" Sirius pressed.

"Because it was very personal, Sirius, and I don't want to tell you!" I fought to keep my voice down.

"You told Remus, though," he pouted and childishly crossed his arms over his chest.

"I did, but I'm not telling anyone else, alright?" I silently prayed he would be agreeable.

"No, it's not alright! James and I are your friends too, we should know as much as Remus does!" Sirius lashed back, refusing to back down.

"I can't do this. I don't want to talk about what happened, and please don't ask me about it again," I said. Lily's words were already washing over me again- you're awful- you don't belong here- murderer. No, I told myself sternly. I was not crying again. Especially not now, with Sirius prying, Remus looking concernedly at me, and James still fixated on Lily, who was talking to Dorcas on the other side of the Common Room.

"Just tell us," Sirius pleaded.

"See you at dinner," I replied coldly, and raced into the girl's dormitory.

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I collapsed on my bed and clutched my pillow close to my chest, desperately trying not to cry. My eyes focused on the pair of sapphire earrings set carefully on my nightstand.

"You don't fit in with us, you don't belong here!"

I squeezed my eyes shut. Did all of the girls really despise me that much? Why was Lily suddenly getting to me?

For four years, the two of us had bickered over nearly everything, and we'd both said nasty things to each other. This time felt different. Was it because I knew that I'd really done something wrong? I had nearly killed Severus, and that terrified me. Is this how Remus must feel, knowing that he could have killed someone?

I had never truly comprehended the fear, the self-loathing Remus had always had for himself, but now I was beginning to understand. I felt sick with myself, and disgusted by what I was capable of. If Dumbledore and McGonagall hadn't come...