Mischief Managed

26: Ash

I'm trying. I really am.

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Sirius and I were staying in separate rooms across the hall, and I'd expected to spend the rest of the night alone.

However, around six p.m. I heard a soft knock on my door.

"Hello?" I called from my bed. The sun hadn't set, but my sheets were already pulled over me in preparation for sleep.

"Oi, it's Sirius!" His voice rang through the door, cheery. I couldn't understand how.

"Fine." I sighed.

He stepped inside. He was dressed nicely, certainly nicer than my t-shirt and shorts: a blue button up shirt was stretched tight across his chest, and a leather belt secured a black, business-like pants around his waist.

"Going somewhere?" I asked.

"Possibly." He studied my face. "How are you?"

I almost choked with laugher. "I feel like hell, Sirius. How else would you think I'm doing?"

He sat on the edge of my bed, his body taking up the least amount of space possible. As if he were afraid of me.

But his eyes inspected me gently, his mouth curved in a sad frown.

I had expected him to say something, to ask me more questions as he had earlier, but he stayed silent.

I couldn't stand the quiet.

"I'm an awful person, aren't I?" I blurted. "I lied to her. I lied."

"You could have saved her life."

"But what if she hates me for it?" My eyes welled with tears. "I-I c-can't lose them both."

Sirius put his hand around mine, silent.

A tear dribbled from my chin. "I lied because I didn't think...I didn't think she could handle the truth." I closed my eyes as the knives hurled afresh at my chest. "I've never seen her like that. And I was scared that I couldn't handle her looking even worse."

He squeezed his hand around mine.

I continued, my eyes open and watery. "What if I was wrong? What if telling her later hurts her even more. What if I was just- being a coward?"

"No," Sirius said, his eyes hardening. "Don't ever say that."

I shook my head, the tears flowing faster now. "But what if it's true? That I'm a coward. Because a horrible, awful part of me wants her to take all my pain. For her to deal with this for me."

"But, Bree," Sirius insisted, leaning closer to me. "You didn't tell her. And I...I think that was the bravest thing I've ever seen."

My head fell into my hands, and tears fell through my fingers as my body began to shake.

In barely distinguishable words, I sniveled, "I'm incapable of being brave right now, Sirius. I'm a mess."

Quiet.

Then he said softly, "You have a right to be."

"N-No. I don't." I sniffed. "Didn't you see her face? Did you see her face when I told her my dad was alright? She's not- she's not going to be alright when she learns the truth. Don't you see, I have to be strong."

Sirius was already shaking his head, but I persisted, whimpering, "I'm a mess."

A wretched, choked sound bubbled up my throat. The room's dusky light and velvet curtains blurred as my eyes drowned.