Find Me (Bellarke's fanfic)

3. Ashes

BELLAMY

It had been two days since Clarke left. We'd been doing our usual activities and everything seemed normal but I knew it wasn't.

"I'm going hunting", I said to Octavia while I grabbed a bow and arrow.

"I'll go with you", she replied.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. I was still mad at her for calling Clarke a coward.

Octavia grabbed a couple of knives and walked with me to the camp's gate. While we exit the camp I saw Lincoln glance at our direction giving me a warning look.

Of course he was worried about Octavia being out of his sight.

Octavia noticed Lincoln as well and she nodded at him as she swallowed nervously.

"You should stay with him, I'm pretty sure he's not very comfortable with the idea of you leaving with me", I told my sister.

"Please", she snorted, "you're my brother, he needs to get over it"

"Maybe he doesn't want you to hang with a murderer", I whispered.

Octavia stopped walking, grabbed my arm abruptly and forced me to face her, "Listen Bellamy, you are my brother, you are my family, I'm not okay with the fact you and Clarke killed all those innocent people but I'm not okay with them bleeding us out either. You did what you had to do, okay? None of us are innocent. We just need to learn how to live with it, you listen to me? So stop being a child, you're making it harder", she let go of my arm and kept walking leaving me a few steps behind, speechless.

When had my sister become so mature? She was always the little girl to my eyes. I see how earth has changed everyone. Including me.

We kept walking in silence for the next hour. Octavia and I were searching everywhere trying to find something we could kill. We saw there was a deer not so far from us and Octavia and I exchanged looks. I nodded and started Walking towards the animal, being careful no to make any sound that would make it go away. I pulled up the bow and placed an arrow into it, aiming to the deer. Everything went silent for a moment and the only thing I could hear was my breathing.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath just before I opened them and instantly let the arrow go, hitting the animal right on the neck. It fell to the ground and started twisting in agony.

Octavia and I rushed to get to the animal, and when we got there all I could hear was the crying sound it was making. The deer was suffering.

"Kill it", I ordered Octavia.

She nodded and swallowed hard before grabbing the knife with her right hand and stabbing the animal trough its heart. Octavia was breathing hard as she pulled out the knife from the deer's dead body.

It was peaceful not to hear it agonizing. The silence filled the air.

We stooped the deer's suffering by ending its life. Maybe that's the only way we'll all end ours.

* * *

It was a cold night.

I was sitting next to the bonfire eating with everybody else. People were talking loudly but I just kept quiet , grabbing a stick from the floor and playing with the fire. I haven't been talking much on the last couple of days, I've just been thinking a lot.

"What did that stick do to you?", Jasper joked, sitting next to me.

I winked, surprised by the fact he was actually talking to me. After what happened with Maya I couldn't blame him for being angry and not wanting to even look at me.

"Hey man", I smiled back and shrugged.

Jasper picked up another stick on the floor and started playing with the fire too. I loved the sound of the wood burning to ashes, it was relaxing.

"I'm sorry about Clarke, dude, I really am", he suddenly said.

I looked right into his eyes, shocked. I hesitated before saying "Yeah, and I'm really sorry about Maya", I said apologetically, "she was great you know, I would be dead if it wasn't for her, we all would", I added.

"Yeah, she really was great", said Jasper looking to the ground and smiling, as remembering her sweetly.

"She shouldn't have died, Jasper, and I'm sorry. I don't deserve to be forgiven for that or for any of those innocent people's death. I'm a murderer", I closed my eyes remembering how Clarke and I ended with all those lives in just a few seconds.

Jasper put his hand on my shoulder and looked at my face, his eyes were full of tears, I could tell he was about to start crying.

"I don't know if I can forgive you Bellamy, not just yet. I - I need to-", he started crying, "I need to heal".

Tears were falling down his cheeks and he placed his head between his knees. I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. I was the one who killed the girl he loved. I didn't deserve his forgiveness. I didn't deserve forgiveness at all.

He calmed down a little bit, and faced me again. "Jasper, I don't deserve your forgiveness. What Clarke and I did, it doesn't-", I fought hard not to cry, "it shouldn't have happened, and I'm sorry dude, I know you loved her, I know you loved her as much as I-", I stopped taking. Not just because I was about to start crying so hard I wouldn't be able to stop but because I was about to say what I haven't told anyone. Not even Octavia.

You loved her as much as I love Clarke.

"I know you love her, Bellamy", Jasper smiled, "that's why I'm sorry she left, and she was my friend you know, I really miss her too", his voice cracked, "I really hope she's okay, I know you did what you had to do, but I still can't forgive you, or her. I'm sorry Clarke left, that was what I came to tell you", he stood up, drying the tears on his eyes with his jacket.

I stood up too, and looked at Jasper for a moment just before he repeated,

"I'm sorry"

He turned around and started walking to the direction where Raven and Wick were sitting.

A tear escaped my eye and I whispered in such low voice nobody could hear me,

"I'm sorry too".

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Sooooooo guys!!!!!! I know I promised I would update two chapters this past weekend but I couldn't and I'm soooo sorry!!! :(( I was out of the city, because my cousin got married and I really didn't have time! I had to study for my tests too, so I'm really sorry guys:( but I wrote a longer chapter!!!!

I hope you guys are enjoying this as much as I am! Please tell me what you think and vote!!! And hey, if any of you want to talk or something just message me! I'd love to talk to you!!

And about this chapter tell me guys, do you like this fragile side of Bellamy? Did you guys like his conversation with Jasper? Do you think he should forgive him?

Tell me what you think!!! Please! :D

Pd: sorry for the grammar mistakes

Love you all!!!

-A