Traveler's Blessing

Chapter 16: Safe Passage

The ambassador meeting finally ended, and the ambassadors have exited.

"Heda, Costia should be punished for divulging your plan," Titus states. Seething that he is unaware of what this "plan" is.

"I didn't divulge anything. Or would you rather I imitate you and do nothing when the Boudalan ambassador insulted our Commander," ridicules Costia.

The flamekeeper has had it. The insolence this girl shows him and how Heda allows her to continue is even more infuriating.

Costia has never liked Titus either, for obvious reasons. In her previous life, she had thought Titus hated Clarke because he wanted to protect Lexa. But as Costia, she realizes that Titus doesn't like anyone that the Commander confines in. He has served four commanders before Lexa, and he is drunk with self-conceit. And it is his pride and arrogance that disallows others to be close to Lexa. So she dislikes Titus even more than before.

The Commander was already upset before the berating started, so she had stood up and walked to the balcony overlooking Polis. She often does this when she needs time to think and to quiet her inner turmoil. She heard enough of the argument and is putting a stop to it. "Everyone out. Costia, stay," commands Lexa.

Nya looks at Costia uneasily, wondering if the young gona will be punished for speaking out of terms. Han glances at Costia worriedly. He still loves her, despite Lincoln. He forces an encouraging nod before he files out of the room with the rest of the guards closing the door behind him. Costia was left alone in the throne room with Lexa outside the patio.

A silent veil drapes between them.

Following a long while, it was Lexa who broke the silence first. "Care to explain?" She asks coolly, but Costia knows beneath that calm exterior Lexa is annoyed, angry even.

"So we are talking now?" Costia can't help it; she is angry that Lexa is upset with her.

Lexa is still looking out her tower, refusing to turn around. Her hands are firmly clasped behind her, standing still like a statue. She is not quite sure how to face Costia or how to address that question. She hates that Costia loves Han enough to die for him, resents Lincoln for being in Costia's bed, and curses herself when she thought Costia was dying. She feels cornered like a wild animal, hurt and left alone to lick her wounds.

Costia sighs. She knows her soulmate has a talent for brooding, and two weeks is long enough. "Please, Commander," Costia softens her voice, "... Lexa, talk to me."

Lexa stiffens. No one dared to address her by name since she became Heda. She hasn't heard her own name for a long time, not even from Costia's lips. The last time Lexa heard her name called was when her friends died under her blade, full of anguish and pain. She had long wondered what it would be like to hear her name again, will it send her to that dark place again, or will it offer deliverance. Lexa turns around and meets Costia's eyes, wondering if that moment was her imagination.

As if spellbound, Lexa slowly steps back into the throne room and makes her way to Costia, closing the gap between them, stopping only a few feet shy. The way Costia said her name is different. It is softer, rounder, without the harshness of pronouncing the letter K, in Leksa, like how people use to call her. Her walls are cracking, and her feelings are slipping through.

"I am glad you are well, since ... Shallow Valley. I wanted to -- the Coalition thank you."

"I did it for you," a quick glance exchanged, but Costia is holding back as well, "... for our people." She still hasn't come to terms with having to put Lexa through her imminent and unavoidable death. It would be so easy to just tell Lexa, but with the flame in Lexa, it is too dangerous to share this knowledge without knowing who will receive it in the future.

The glimmer of hope in Lexa dims, fading out in the background. After a long moment, Lexa asks, "You said you have a plan for Floukru?" her voice faint and faraway.

"Yes."

There was a pause as Costia contemplates how to say it without hurting Lexa.

"Go on," urges Lexa, sensing Costia's hesitation.

"Send Lincoln. He will be able to convince Luna ... they are friends." Costia looks up at Lexa, making sure she drops the news as delicately as possible.

Lexa jolts slightly, and her lips press together. Did Luna tell Lincoln about the Conclave? How my blade had no reservations for my friends and betrayed those close to me. Lexa turns her head away from Costia, no longer holding her gaze. She will never love and trust someone like me.

"And you trust him?" Lexa doesn't doubt Costia's assessment of Lincoln. The question is more about how Costia feels about him. And do they have something that Costia will never share with her?

"I do," Costia answers, her eyes searching for Lexa's since she looked away.

"You care about him," Lexa states dejectedly.

"I care about the Coalition ... I care about you." Costia clarifies, she can see the hurt in Lexa's eyes, and she wants to give her a small morsel of comfort.

"And did he tell you ... about Luna?" Lexa asks, her voice distant. Lexa had to fight three rounds in the Conclave to become Heda. She was lucky Luna got matched up with her brother in the first round. Because Lexa knew if Luna killed her brother, it would break her. Without Luna as a competition, Lexa had no doubt that she would win. Not because she was the most skilled fighter, but because none of the other novitiates were as callous as she was. She is the byproduct of what this world has brutalized and brainwashed into her. Ruthless and absolute. At least, that is what Lexa tells herself. In Lexa's mind, Luna is not a deserter. She is someone Lexa wishes she could emulate because that would mean she is redeemable.

Costia studies Lexa. She knows Lexa is tormented by her actions during the Conclave. The Commander always puts duty before herself. If Lexa cares less, it will haunt her less.

I do care, Clarke, but I made this choice with my head and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first.

What happened to number eight? Can we talk about something else?

"Yes, enough to learn that Luna has laid down her arms and vowed never to fight again. She sympathizes and offers Flou as a safe haven for those who are also done with fighting." Lexa closes her eyes; the knowledge of what Luna is up to hits too close to home. Costia knows that Luna symbolizes something too painful for Lexa to confront. Costia reaches out to hold Lexa's hands, cupping them in hers. "This is why she has turned our emissaries away. Our ways are harsh, and in Luna's mind, she is afraid of what we will do with the people she is trying to protect."

"That is our way. It is how we survive," Lexa says wistfully.

"Life should be about more than just surviving. Luna -- she is trying to make up her past regrets ..." Costia runs her thumbs along the ridges of Lexa's knuckles as if the action alone can help lessen the pain. "Lexa ...." Lexa holds her breath. This is the second time today Costia used her name, "You know ... you can help her achieve that."

Lexa looks at her hands in Costia's. Her eyes slowly travel to Costia's lips. She yearns to close the distance between them, but Costia does not belong to her.

"I -- can grant Flou as a sanctuary state; anyone that enters seeking safe passage will be protected under the Coalition."

Costia nods slowly; maybe this can help Lexa find some solace as well.

"Will you be going with him?" Lexa asks, her voice vulnerable, almost hoping and pleading that Costia's answer will be no.

"No," Costia states pragmatically. The last time Clarke tried to convince Luna of anything, she got her ass handed to her. Costia pauses, her hands are still holding onto Lexa's hands, "My place is here, by your side."