Traveler's Blessing

Chapter 23: John Murphy

The room is dark and dank. The air is so thick with the smell of vomit and bile the throat can't help but tighten and contract, pulling acid from the pit of Murphy's stomach. In the backdrop, the sound of electric current hums through the quarter, accompanied by a woman crying unintelligible on the floor. Her words are full of anguish and pain, "You -- why are you still here? You ruined everything. Everything. I wish -- wish you were never bor ..." The woman stops midsentence and starts to heave, her body convulsing, choking on sobs and puke.

From the corner where Murphy was curled up, he scrambles to the woman's side. "Mom, lie on your side. Lie on your side!" He attempts to roll her over, but she pushes him away. "Fine, then just roll over yourself. Just get on your side ..." Murphy croaks as he pleads with his drunk mother. She relents and moans as she turns rolls to her side. "Why are you here -- why?"

Murphy's eyes are pink from tears and mental exhaustion. On all fours, he slowly retrieves back to his dark corner of the room. This has happened before and will happen again.

Let me guess. Mommy and daddy didn't love you? No, they loved me ...

Tell me. I want to know. How does a kid who's loved by his parents turn into a murdering psychopath?

He gets the flu. His father steals medicine that turns out wouldn't help anyway. Gets floated for it, and his mother, she starts drinking pretty heavily after that, and last words she says to him before he finds her in a pool of her own vomit is that - is that he killed his father.

There is one thing Murphy didn't tell Raven. That he didn't just kill his father; he killed his mother too. In his previous life, the night his mom blamed Murphy for his father's death, he took off, leaving his mom lying face-up on the floor. He didn't roll her over. He was sick of it all and needed it to stop. When he came to his senses and ran back to his quarters, it was too late. His mother had already drowned in her own vomit and died alone.

I don't want to die alone.

So you see, that is how he became a murdering psychopath.

But not tonight. Tonight, he rolls his mom over. Tonight his mother lives.

Murphy still needs to go through another year of this hell before that fateful night. Raven had instructed him to change as little as possible to make sure he got on the 100 list. He wonders how he will feel when he sees Connor and Myles again. The two that put a noose around his neck to hang him. The two he murdered.

Bygones.

He once needed them to feel what he felt when he choked them to death because they deserved it. It is what all murdering bastards deserve, what he deserves. But he got a second chance. This time, he will give them a second chance too.

Murphy knocks his head back against the wall. His mother has finally fallen asleep. Judging from the content on the floor, she has emptied all that is in her system and will be safe tonight. Murphy has asked himself his soul's purpose; besides Emori, he thinks it is to be one of the good guys. Raven once told him if he wants to avoid hell, the answer is not immortality but morality. Can Raven be any wronger? He is an immortal, living in a hell loop, powerless to change things. What is he supposed to do? Roll his mother over to prevent her from dying in this life? He can do that, but he also needs to set fire to his father's arresting officer's quarters to get on the dropship. Then who will be here to roll his mother over? She will die without him. Does he prioritize his mother's survival over his? What will Raven think of him now if she learns of his dilemma? That after all these years, he is still a leech that sucks everything dry.

No. To hell with this. If I can't decide, I'll let fate decide for me.

Murphy stands up and walks to the closet where his mother keeps her homemade moonshine. He'll need some fire accelerant.

"Murphy, what the hell are you doing here?" Raven is sitting across a table facing Murphy at the Prison Station. It is prison visiting day, and she had just learned that Murphy was arrested for burning down the arresting officer's quarters ahead of schedule.

The visitors' center looks like a cafeteria room, lined with chairs and metal tables, filled with anxious parents visiting their kids. The room is dimly lit with fluorescent LED lights casting an even bluer hue than the rest of the Ark, making the prison station gloomier than it already is.

"Well, hello to you too," Murphy smirks.

"You think this is funny? Any changes to your profile mean you may not get picked to go with the 100, and we needed you." Raven is upset with this unexpected development. "How are you still such a dick, Murphy?"

"I'm sorry, ok. Is that what you want to hear," Murphy exhales loudly, already tired of this conversation. He can explain himself but chooses not to. All he wants is for Raven to be silent now. He wants everything silent.

"No, I want to know why you did it? What could possibly drive you to be such a selfish ass after all we've been through." Raven hisses between her teeth.

Murphy presses his lips together, trying to hold his temper.

But he is just so angry, and Raven keeps pushing. "You want to know why I did it, Raven?" Murphy raises his voice, "Well, how about we got a second chance, but they still floated my father. That you guys are living it up in Mecha and Alpha station while I live down in that shithole. Watching my mom drown in her own vomit every night? What makes you THINK I want to go on living like that, counting down the days till I let her DIE?!"

Raven blinks at Murphy, startled by his sudden outburst. She feels half remorseful for being harsh on him and half unable to reconcile how much rides on this and how disappointed she still feels. Raven is upset because she wants, no, she needs all her friends there. Their last journey on the ground has made them like a family to her. And Raven will do anything, even risk her soul for them. That is the kind of person she is, to risk everything for those she perceives as family. So it is hard for Raven to comprehend why Murphy doesn't feel the same way about them. But she also understands Murphy's predicament. Unable to reconcile her feelings about this, Raven puts up a front but no longer berates him, "You could have come to us; we could have helped."

"And do what, Reyes?" Murphy asks. "Stop my mom from drinking, like how you stop your's from drinking?"

A painful, stagnating silence falls.

Did Murphy just go there? Hell, is he looking for a fight? No, he is just hurting. And yet, the truth still cuts deep.

After a long moment, "That's low, even for you," Raven says, and Murphy can see he hurt his friend's feelings.

Sighing, Murphy sinks into his chair. He takes a deep breath. Murphy does that a lot when he talks to Raven. It's a habit of his that Raven has seen before. Murphy's way of calming himself and deescalating. They can both push each other and say things they end up regretting. "Don't worry. I'll survive. They will pick me," Murphy says after a while, rubbing a hand over his hair, "It's my destiny to be the last man standing." He would know because the irony of it all is that he did die alone in the end.

Raven closes her eyes, letting out a long breath. "That's it, then. Leave it to chance?"

"That and I'm in here a year early. I can get working. Start making friends. Exert my influence," Murphy gestures. "Just do me a favor." Murphy pauses. "Check on my mom for me. See if she is ... ok?"

"Yeah, ok." Raven sighs. If anything, she understands. Too well.