Bleeding isn't Broken

Steamed Glasses and Cold Nights

Changes...

Oh how everything changes and bends at times where you need things to stay the same. I'm tired of loosing people, loosing things. Before, in June., everything seemed so far. A job, A boyfriend, A future, all were out of the grasp of the person i used to be.

In all honesty, i dont feel like myself anymore. I lost somethings that held me together for the longest amount of time and in some cases that has ruined me. Therapy doesnt help. I thought it would, i thought that was the things that everyone was suggesting me to get yet it something that doesnt help. It might never help.

I dont recognize myself. Small things like the way i dress or the way i act dont feel like me, stutteriung over a vocabulary ive always been familiar with. Faking smiles from customers satisfaction and everything inbetween that generaly just makes me feel sick.

Things arent the same. The way i react to things is all wrong now. Before it was all genuane and fullfelt but now, now i dint feel for anyone. No pity, No remorse. Nothing. Things dont even faze me anymore, like im not actually in my own body. Ill think about moments that happened mere seconds before and i wont be present in them, like sinign loudly in leahs car until the late hours, thats not something i can recall happily.

The bruises on my body dont affect me as much as they should, nor do the self inflicted burns. I think the one thing i genuanely disapointed at is the fact that ive relapsed into the skin bitting again and i hate that about myself.

I thought the month of halloween was meant to be the best month of the year, in the past thats whats always been set, but this time, i dont think i even want to be alive for the next one. Pushing people away has been a new thing for me to do, itll hurt them less if i did. Less likely to blame themselves or overthink this problem to be their fault.

I just want them to be happy without me x