Bleeding isn't Broken

A letter to him <3

If you had told me that at 3 in the morning on the 23 of October, 2021, I'd be writing a farewell letter to Oliver Jones, I would consider you mad. Yet here I am.
Farewell seems like a heavy word. Not one to burden the harshest goodbyes. But goodbyes are in order.

Where does one start. Take me back to June. It wasn't much of a crush at that point. Enough of a feeling from December, but June progressed the feelings stronger. Coop was fun. I enjoyed the walk. The car ride home just made everything sink in. I liked you, that was clear. Oh if only breadcrumbs could see us now. You've still yet to taste all the monsters. The fact that you opened the hunger games that day made me happy. No one had ever willingly read a book I had handed to them before. But you did. Even if you didn't finish it. I really hoped you liked me back, I had my doubts of course. Your kindness was always easy to be mistaken. I'm glad Alex asked you when she did.

You helped me through a lot back then. My anxiety, the new job, habits I was struggling to rid. You somehow balanced them all and made a calm sanctuary. One where I felt safe. The two weeks away were a blur but I'm glad you got to see your mum, I know how much she means to you. If I ever said anything about the fact you left for two weeks, I didn't mean it. I'm genuinely happy that you got to see her and spend time making memories. I'm glad your mother still wants to do that with you. I hope she's well.

July and August blend together as one. Happiness is all I can say about the two. Pure happiness. You always made sure of that. In your own way. You used to ask me from time to time if I was happy or when was the last time I was. Some days I'd say the wrong thing because at the time. I didn't quite understand the happiness. But in the end. I was always happiest when I was with you. Late night talks, tickle fights, movie nights where you'd show your fascinating mystery films and I'd show my deep fever dream films. Take me back to those nights where you'd fall asleep on my shoulder and I'd scroll through my phone, you'd mock me for my nails tapping the screen. I miss everything from those nights. I miss you.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I know at this point you probably don't know why I'm apologising but know I should. I'm sorry if I ever treated you badly. Hurt you in any way. I'm sorry for the times I've confused you or the times I became too much. I would always deal with moments like that alone so I'm sorry that I put that on you.

When I told you about the field, you made me promise a lot. Like finishing the book that will take me decades to complete. I'm glad I told you what I wanted to do, truly I am great full, but I regret speaking a word. I guess when I think about it, I put my own life in someone else's hands and that wasn't my intentions. I didn't want saving or anything in that form, I just wanted you to know that was going to leave. It's not your fault, you did me good in my time. Pulled me out of it for the longest time. This was just something I was always going to do.

I did want to thank you. During those times, you ripped my mind away and helped me recover I'm some sorts. I referred to you as a distraction at times, but it was never a bad thing. You were something I needed. So thank you. You cared for me enough for me to understand what caring for someone was meant to be like. Thank you for holding me in my most vulnerable times.

It scares me to think that all of this will be gone. All I know is that I loved you. Loving wasn't something i was solely familiar with but the way you made me feel made sure that it was love. So thank you for letting me understand the meaning of love.