A U R O R A // F1

Dec 8th, 2019. Berlin, Germany

Where the hell was that fucking phone? I threw the bed sheets away and searched the entire bed. I found it half buried under Charlie.
What kind of sleep does that girl have? We didn't have that much to drink.

I took it without looking at the screen and quickly slipped out of the bedroom from the living room to the kitchen.

*INCOMING CALL: BENJAMIN*

He had to be kidding me. I groaned in disbelief and annoyance. But I knew he would try again and again and again, my mailbox was already full of his voice messages. So I picked up.

"Suvi?"

„Yeah, I'm here. What is it?"

His voice trembled slightly. Wait, his voice was trembling?

"Oh god, finally.
Your voice right now
is music to my ears."

It did sound like Ben, but at the same time it did not at all.

„What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I don't wanna be without you anymore. You left that huge gap in my life and it's eating me up. I see you on every corner, in every mirror, every photograph, and it's unbearable without you. The way you looked at me the last time we met, it's torturing me."

Never have I ever witnessed him this emotional. I walked up to one of the big windows in the room and looked outside. The bright street lights of Berlin soaked the loft in a soft, cool light, and I tried to concentrate on the tramway slowly cruising on the rails by the intersection.

"You still there?"

„Yeah I am. But, like, what do you want me to say. I did things wrong, but you were the one who destroyed us beyond repair.", anger rose in me.

"Ok, uh, but please, I don't wanna fight. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. I miss you so much. Look, I made a mistake, I'm human, we make mistakes, don't w-"

„Benjamin, cheating is not a mistake! You considered, you decided, you did. For fucking WEEKS! You broke us!"

"I'm begging you! I am so so sorry about it!"

He was sobbing. And I was raging.

„You weren't sorry when I didn't know! Huh." I shook my head violently, trying to surpress the upcoming memories. „I don't wanna talk about, I don't wanna think about it. My love disappeared, my pain didn't. And the fact you will not leave me alone for me to try to move on is infuriating me."

His crying turned into whimpering.

„I gave myself to you, and you broke my heart." My voice was a desperate yell.

"I could never replace you."

„Stay away from me."

With that, I hung up. Only now did I notice my face was overflowing with hot tears. I supported myself by placing both hands on the kitchen counter, closed my eyes and concentrated as hard as I could on my breathing.

I let out a sob, but my crying was interrupted by footsteps just a few meters next to me.

I looked up at my best friend. Her expression was dark and baffled, but her eyes showed glimpses of compassion. The moment she realized I noticed her presence, she shyly looked down to the floor.

„I'm so sorry, I didn't wanna eavesdrop, but I woke up and heard yelling and just wanted to check up on you..."

My eyes wandered off and out the window again.

„Don't worry."

I heard her sigh. „I still don't know what let you and Ben have that breakup, I know you and I know how you distance yourself in those kinds of situations. Look, you can tell me everything or we can go back to bed and pretend I didn't hear anything. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

I let out a quite chuckle, wiped away the tears and locked eyes with her.
„I know how you can be and I wanted to deal with this myself. Sorry I left you hanging. Really."

I started losing myself in her eyes just like so many times before, in their warmth, and the tight knot in my stomach that I slowly built in the last weeks started to loosen up. I took a few shaky breaths, my head spinning, not knowing what was happening to me, and the next thing I felt was her holding my shaking, crying self tightly.

We stood there for what could have been 20 minutes or an hour, not saying anything, her arms around me, and my body shivering. With every whimper I let out, she seemed to tighten her grip, pressing our bodies together. And with every second, I felt myself getting lighter, until my breathing was back to normal and my eyes dry. Once I loosened my grip, we both took a seat on the kitchen counter, holding our hands.

„I like to believe everything happens for a reason", I started, „but honestly, what the fuck."

She snorted. I smiled back.

„I was in a relationship with that man for almost two years. Two. Years." I swallowed and looked down.

„He had me in the palm of his hand. You know that. I even neglected our friendship for him. And I know he loved me too, in his own fucked up way. And the last months were a bit tough, but I thought it was just a rough patch in our story. I believe you shouldn't have to put this insane amount of work into something that you know should go effortlessly. But he wanted me to react, and the more he confronted me with things, the less I did, the less I cared. You know, sometimes you convince yourself that you still love someone, that you're made for each other, you still idolize them, adore them, but suddenly they do something, and in an instant, that image you had of them crumbles, and the love just... starts to fade. But believe me, the pain doesn't. He still broke my heart when I, by accident, found out he was sleeping with someone else for weeks. That shit still hurts."

After I didn't hear anything from him for a while, I looked up. She looked at me in shock and disbelief, and I could see the rage in her eyes.

„Please don't do anything. Please, no more drama, I just want it to end."

She frowned, but finally sighed and looked down.

„I don't get it."

„What?"

She studied every inch of my face and scoffed.

„How could anyone ever want someone else when they can have you?"

//

I spent the holidays with my family. My brother, my sister and her husband, and in the evenings with Charlie and Jenny.

For New Year's Eve, I took a flight to the France. I called my aunt's house my home for the first week of 2020.