What's Done in the Dark, Comes Forth to the Light

Focus

Here I am in church, gazing upon the cross as I stand next to my parents while they worship their hearts out, but here am I, still concerned for my spiritual health and who this God really is. Why would God allow so much hurt in my life? Bullying, harassment, and abuse from my grandfather, but I am supposed to believe that God is good. As Pastor Keem preaches, I'm dozing off and not even listening to a single word he is saying because I am stuck in my head. Listening to my thoughts and trying to assess my spirituality. Some days I question the existence of a divine creator, but on some days, something is hitting me in the face spiritually. I feel like something, or someone is trying to get my attention, but is it really God? I ask myself that question, but my partial-atheistic ego would tell me that it is just a natural chemical response in my brain that is triggering such thoughts. On the other hand, a part of me also has the understanding that God is real in some form or another. As church wrapped up, my parents, siblings, and I walked out to the car, where my dad asked me how I liked the message.

"Well, how did you like the sermon today, sweetie?" asked my father.

"It was good," I said back to him.

 "What did you learn?" my father asked me. 

"A couple of things," I replied quickly. 

Then, I jumped in the family van with a racing heart to avoid answering any more of my father's questions. The ride home was quite silent. Well, I don't know if the ride home was actually silent, or I was just reducing any outside noise as I pondered over and over in my mind. It feels like a tug of war intellectually every day when it comes to this so-called 'God.' My mind is telling me that God isn't here, but my heart is telling me that I am deceiving myself. I pray, and yes, I do read the Bible, and it seems like I can feel the presence of God, but then some days, I feel weird about God. Is it possible that He answered my prayer for new friends, or is it just a possible luck-based occurrence? These are just random thought-provoking things that I ask myself almost every other day throughout the week. When my family and I got home, I darted up the stairs just to hop on the phone with Savannah. Besides, that's what I was looking forward to this Sunday morning anyways. She goes to church earlier than I do, so I figured that she would be home by the time I called her. Typically, she attends the 8 AM service. Meanwhile, my family attends the 10 AM service. I gave her a buzz via FaceTime, but she didn't pick up. I thought that she might have gone to a later church service, or maybe she's busy, so I'd wait until she calls me back. Now, two hours have gone by, and I have yet to receive a callback or response to my message from earlier. So, I tried to FaceTime her again but still no answer. Of course, my anxiety begins to rage, and I couldn't help but think that maybe she doesn't like me anymore or maybe that Kristina girl may have convinced her to drop me as a friend. It just scares me to think such thoughts because I have lost many friends in my lifetime, and I couldn't afford to lose her. Then, I thought to myself, "It's Sunday; let me try to talk to her tomorrow." Monday came, and I woke up early for school that morning with a racing heart. I quickly showered, and I ran to my bedroom to aggressively open my drawers just to throw on any bit of clothing at my closest reach. I had recently gotten a driver's permit, so I drove myself to school, and I got there at least 20 minutes early on purpose. As I waited in the lobby upfront, I saw Savannah walk through the school's double doors. To my surprise, she didn't seem to be upset at all like I thought. She walked up to me first and claimed that her phone was taken the whole weekend to honor God. 

"Why would your phone need to be taken to honor God?" I asked her. 

"That's because Saturday is the sabbath day of God, we devote the day towards him and his creations, and I didn't have it on Sunday either," Savannah said. 

"The sabbath? I thought that was Sunday?" I questioned.

"No man tried to change the sabbath day, but it is still Saturday because Saturday is the 7th day of the week, not Sunday. Sunday is really the first day of the week," said Savannah. 

"Oh, alright then," I uttered. 

"What's wrong? Do you not believe me?" asked Savannah. 

"No, I do. It's fine," I said with a deep breath. 

"Something does not seem right. You don't believe in God, do you?" asked Savannah.

"I-I-I do...I do," I said while stuttering. 

"Why do you lack faith? I remember you telling me about your Christian traditions and how often you pray. So why are you giving up on the faith now?" she asked me. 

"To be honest, Van, I'm just going through a lot of emotions right now," I said as I sighed. 

"Pray. Pray, pray, pray. I'm going to head to class, but I will text you, alright? But pray!" Savannah said loudly. 

"I've been praying, but I'll pray some more, I promise," I assured her. 

"Nice! See you later," Savannah said. 

"Bye," I said under my breath. 

I thought about our conversation all class, and quite frankly, I still cannot find the answer to her question. Why do I lack faith? I'm not even sure if it makes sense to me. Later on, that day, when the school reached its final hour, I hurried out of the classroom with my backpack half-zipped and pencils falling out. To be honest, I was just trying to get home quickly because it felt like a long day. As I was speed walking and zooming right past people that were leaving their classrooms, my binder fell out of my backpack. Of course, I had to turn around to pick it up because that binder is very important for school. I grabbed my binder but right when I did that; my line paper fell out. "Ugh!" is what I shouted because I was extremely annoyed, and I just wanted to go home. As I began picking up the papers, this light skin boy stopped and decided to help me. 

"Thanks," I told him

To which he said, "no problem." 

I looked him in his face after picking up all my things, and I just couldn't stop eyeing him. 

"Is that everything," he asked. 

"Yes," I said. 

Then, he walked off, and so did I. I sat in the school parking lot with no audio playing, just watching people walk off to their sports and seeing the buses and cars depart from the building. I was thinking about that boy; he was so cute that I... that I... I don't even know. A girl like me, though? There's no way that I would have a chance with him. I mean, I could try, but I don't want to buy the same token. After 30 minutes of sitting in my car idling in the school parking lot, I drove off to head home. Hours have gone by, and I haven't even done my homework assignment for math yet because I am still stuck on that one boy I saw. I just can't seem to get my mind off of him that it's driving me crazy. So, I texted Van about it so I can see how she feels about the whole situation and what her advice may be. Not even ten minutes have gone by, and she FaceTimed me after seeing my message. I ran the details to her over the call; in fact, she even invited me to sleep over at her house for the upcoming weekend to talk more about it. 

"Should we invite Kris?" Savannah asked. 

"Sure, it's been a week since we talked," I replied. 

"Great, I will let her know at school," Savannah said. 

We wrapped up our phone call, and I was smiling in my bed with excitement. I opened up my computer to do my assignment, but I couldn't do it. I texted Van and asked her for the answers instead because I couldn't get my mind right. That light skin boy is doing things to me mentally and emotionally. I know that my chances of getting with him is slim, so I'll need to drop him from my mind eventually. It's important that I keep focus.