Now I See You | ✓

Eight

I'm shaking, shivering and breathing hard as the world spins out of control.

Manal sits behind me, comfortingly rubbing my back and holding back my hair as I vomit into the toilet, hardly able to control myself.

When there's finally nothing left to get out, I raise my heavy head and glance at the girls.
Josie is standing in the doorway, face pinched with concern, eyes teary.

"Water," I croak, hoping one of them will get it for me.

Josie darts out of the room without another word.

"Just sit here," Manal murmurs gently, tugging me away from the toilet so I'm leaning against the wall, next to her. "Just sit here and take deep breaths, baby."

When Josie returns with the water, I take a few gulps and rest my head against the wall, my eyes shut tight.

"What the fuck?" I whisper, feeling my eyes well up already. "I don't know what to do."

They sit on either side of me as I spiral, just trying to regulate my breathing but all of the thoughts careering about in my head don't really allow me to do that.

When I'm finally a little bit calmer, I turn to Josie. "Did you know?"

She shakes her head, sorrowful. "No, muchacha. I had no idea. Everyone at work said Josh had been a little bit off lately, but he always said he was doing well. It was little things, you know? Didn't like taking the bins out anymore, sort of shifted away from physical contact. It wasn't obvious, but I see it now, looking back."

My stomach roils again, because isn't that evidence enough? Doesn't the shift in his behaviour confirm that something did happen?

So why am I trying to fight it?

"I don't want to believe it's true," I whisper brokenly, hating the words myself. "This is Mason we're talking about. Surely, he wouldn't."

The girls exchange an uncomfortable look.

"Do you believe it?" Manal asks quietly, deeply troubled. "Or do you think he's innocent?"

I'm at a loss for words, because what do I say to that? "I don't know, Manal. I don't know anything. I'm fucking spinning and it feels like the world has just turned upside down. We've known each other our whole lives. Surely, I would have noticed if he was like this? He was telling me it wasn't true and I don't know what to think. Mom believes him and I can't... can't breathe, can't think about it, can't understand anything right now."

There's a silence as they take in my words.

"When he was telling me, all I could think about was the meeting this morning, how we would have felt if Professor Wallace didn't believe you, Josie, because of her friendship with Professor Ruiz. Am I wrong to be so confused about this?"

Neither of them says anything for a couple of minutes, but eventually, Manal breaks the silence. "I think that given that you just found out half an hour ago, it's normal to be shocked by all of this."

I hear what she's not saying, though: that I should believe Josh over Mason. That I should believe the victim over the oppressor.

But doesn't that make my whole life a lie?

I start to tremble again, so I halt our conversation and focus on my breathing instead, desperately hoping that I can keep it together this time.

"Josh is such a sweetheart," Josie whispers quietly, just as my breathing starts to regulate once more. "He wouldn't lie about it."

"Apparently," Manal adds, tone indecipherable, "The main witness of the case is Natalie Choi, my friend from my course. She wouldn't either."

My heart starts to fracture, piece by piece, as I come to a horrible, stomaching-wrenching realisation. Yes, this moment will completely make or break my friendship with Mason, but it's not just that: whatever my next move is, makes or breaks me.