What You Deserve

Chapter Four

A longer chapter again! Not gonna say too much, but it's getting emotional once more, guys...

Would love to hear what you think! <3

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Dean would have sworn he could feel Cas' presence following him out of the garage, all the way through the bunker and into the kitchen. He withstood the urge to turn and look, even though he felt with each step like blue eyes were scorching through the fabric of his clothes and burning holes into his skin, branding him with equal parts judgement and disappointment.

He wasn't sure what was worse, though, the feeling of Cas being angry with him or what he found when he finally turned: an angel with his eyes lowered to the ground, an aura of exhaustion and sadness wafting off of him in waves.

"I think I'm gonna get a snack before bed." Dean actually felt like he might puke if he forced food on his twisted stomach, but he opened the fridge anyway and stared inside without seeing anything, just so he wouldn't have to look at Cas anymore. "You want anything?"

"No, thank you."

Cas' voice sounded just as empty as his body language looked downcast. Dean didn't know what to make of it. He'd fucked up so many times in so many ways this evening that he couldn't even be sure anymore what exactly had Cas looking this way now.

The disappointment that Dean would physically attack another person just because Cas had been talking to them? The fact that he'd kept Cas from pursuing his plans on how this evening would play out, had ruined his chance at some human company and contact?

Dean hoped it wasn't that. The mere thought of Cas seeking comfort and maybe even pleasure in someone else's arms had his stomach turning.

Perhaps it had even been the kiss. Their kiss. Dean hadn't asked for permission, he'd just given in to his own desire and taken , and Cas hadn't even called him out for it. He hadn't been angry like before, he hadn't yelled at Dean and asked what the hell he thought he was doing. He'd just stood there, waited for it to end. And when it did, he'd simply blamed it on Dean's drunkness. Of course he had. Cas -poor, sweet, innocent, beautiful Cas who'd never asked to be pulled into any of Dean's stupid, twisted emotions and the mess they caused- had to cope with Dean forcing himself on him, Dean who he'd thought was his best friend. Of course he'd try to argue it away, try to find something to blame so he wouldn't have to face the fact that it had just been Dean being Dean, losing control and ruining things like he always did.

Whatever it had been, Dean only knew that it was definitely 100% his fault that Cas looked the way he looked right now, and he couldn't stand it.

Dean closed the fridge again, empty-handed, empty-hearted.

"You tired yet?", he asked Cas, the lighthearted tone fake and off even to his own ears. Stupid question. Angels didn't get tired. Not physically, anyway. "Maybe we could-"

Watch a movie. Talk about what happened. Apologize and forgive and make up and kiss again and-

"Actually." Cas barely met Dean's eyes as he spoke. "I am. Tired."

"Ah." Way to put Dean off. He couldn't blame him. "Okay."

"Goodnight, Dean."

And with that the angel turned and left before Dean could get another word out, the familiar coat vanishing around the corner.

He hadn't been able to look at Cas while he'd stood in front of him. Now with the angel gone, it was like he couldn't breathe as long as he was out of sight.

"Night, Cas...", he mumbled to a man that was long gone, leaving Dean alone and at the mercy of his own mind.

Dean barely slept that night, his thoughts wandering outside of his bedroom and down the hallway where he knew Cas was sitting in his own room, on his own bed, equally awake. The feeling of being so close to Cas, yet so far away, the way he'd always felt when it came to the angel. Logically, Dean knew he only needed to take a few steps and he'd be standing right in front of the object of all his thoughts, all his dreams and desires, the cause of all his fruitless longing and misery. But in reality, Dean couldn't even bring his legs to move enough to get out of bed, let alone the mental strength and bravery to actually face Cas.