What You Deserve

Chapter Five

Hey! I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write in the next weeks, my semester started this monday and I have an internship coming up and two exam papers to write, but we'll see, I'll definitely desperately try to find time to write!

For today I wanted to post so I would have a little something to soothe our hearts and minds after the con this weekend so...hope you enjoy!

Trigger warning: reference to a homophobic slur, the word itself isn't there, though.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

But that's the point, Cas said. I do want to be stuck with you.

Dean stared.

"Cas..."

It couldn't be. Cas couldn't mean what Dean thought he meant.

That would be ludicrous, right? Cas wanting him back in that way, in any way, really. That Cas might be feeling all those... feelings that had taken over Dean's heart for so long, making him wish and hope and long and need and want and hurt...

And now here Cas was, looking at him with those eyes, so open and honest and soft and blue and-

"Dean", Cas said, and just the way he said his name made Dean feel like the air had been sucked out of the room. "Do you still not understand? I already am stuck with you, one way or another. I defied Heaven and all I ever believed in for you, I threw away my faith for you, I fell for you."

In more ways than one, Cas didn't say . Dean could hear it anyway.

"And I'd do it all again without a second thought, Dean", the angel went on, pinning Dean with his gaze, the disarming honesty in his voice. "Everything I did ever since I pulled you out of Hell, I did to be able to stay by your side. How could you possibly think I'd ever refuse to be bound to you as closely as possible when being allowed to be with you is all I've ever wanted?"

I'm hunted, I've rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you...

Dean's thoughts were running away from him, the angel's words ringing in his ears, mixing with the pounding of his own heart, the rushing of his blood.

"Why did you interfere with Tony in that bar, Dean?", he heard Cas ask, and there was such a delicate vulnerability behind the calm voice, a note of guarded hopefulness that cut through the haze in Dean's mind and cleared the chaos, silenced every sound, erased every picture but the one in front of him. Cas, with that voice and those eyes, ethereal and beautiful and waiting for him to speak.

"I..." Dean swallowed hard, willed his vocal cords to work. "Because I..."

He should just say it. He wished he could just say it. He should be able to say it now, shouldn't he? But the words were stuck in his throat.

"Was it just because you thought I needed 'saving'?", Cas asked, and there were those stupid, ridiculous air quotes in his voice, and Dean wanted to cry from how much he loved him.

"No", he said, because how could he possibly deny it any longer? "I...couldn't stand the thought of you being with someone...someone else", Dean admitted, small, quiet, as close to the whole picture as he could manage right now.

"And when you...kissed me?"

That same hopeful undertone, carefully held at bay.

"You thought I kissed you because I was drunk", Dean realized, and shit, he was such an idiot.

Of course Cas would think that, of course he'd assume Dean had only acted on instinct to keep him from returning to that guy, that it hadn't meant anything... Fuck, he'd screwed up.