What You Deserve

Chapter Nine

I hope you enjoy this slightly longer chapter full of whispered words and roaming hands and emotional emotions!! Love yall!!

Warning for homophobic language/slurs in Dean's intrusive thoughts and brief hint to past prostitution

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Cas was in awe.

He hadn't really seen this side of Dean before, certainly not to this extent, this sort of vulnerability, submission - the most beautiful kind of neediness, really. And an underlying, yet undeniable sense of freedom that seemed to go with it, and that Cas simply longed to see more of, to coax out of Dean until he was consumed with relief.

He watched Dean's every reaction to his words intently, filed away the shudders that ran through Dean's body when Cas called him his, the little whimpers escaping Dean's throat when he told him how good he was. Cas had waited a long time to say those things, had waited even longer to believe Dean might want to hear them, even if the hunter would never have admitted it. Cas knew there was a wall built up inside Dean's mind, every brick a cruel lie, a hurtful word, a shameful insult. The real Dean was trapped behind, only finding his way through a gap now and then, reaching for the light but never truly breaking through before he was shoved back, the crack closed and sealed with new lies, new shame, new bricks.

Cas wanted to tear that wall down, make it crumble to dust and watch it being swept away by the wind of his words, so no one would ever be able to rebuild it, not even Dean himself. And Dean would try. Cas knew that too. It was a prison, and yet Dean had started to make it his home, forced to drown himself in the delusion that he stayed there by choice, simply because the alternative would have been too hard, too painful, a reality waiting behind it that seemed too much to face.

All that fighting Dean had to do all his life - fighting monsters, fighting his father, fighting the world. He'd simply been too tired to also keep fighting himself. So he made himself comfortable behind that wall, made it his protection instead of his enemy, the one thing he could count on to be always there and standing, strong and steady when everything else failed. The comfort was a lie, of course, just as everything the wall had been built on were lies, but it was the only safety Dean knew. It was no wonder he had a hard time letting it go, even while it was pulling him down beneath the waves to drown and die.

But Cas was confident they could do it. Lies have short legs, a human proverb said. You cannot build a castle on a mountain made of sand.

Dean was looking up at him with pleading green eyes, and whether he himself knew what he was asking for, Cas finally believed he might be able to reach him. Finally, there was nothing between them but years of devotion and longing and countless words left unspoken, near-confessions that never said everything, never said enough.

And he had every intention of speaking them, now that he was at liberty to do so.

"I think...we're going to play a game", Cas said, watching as Dean's brain seemed to practically screech to a halt.

"Now?", he asked, clear confusion in his voice. Cas just nodded.

"Right now."

Dean raised his eyebrows, the wheels turning behind his eyes, before he shrugged slightly, the hint of a smirk curling the corner of his mouth.

"Kinky", Dean said, but Cas saw through the attempt at lighthearted nonchalance, had seen it too many times at too many bars between too many flirtatious smiles.

"Dean. This is serious."

Dean's smile vanished as he pressed his lips together to a tight line, Cas scolding himself for sounding too harsh, for letting the thought of others affect him for even a second while he was here with Dean.