Lemonark

A Rainy Day

     I hate it when it rains because it's so dull in the house and I don't get to do much. My parents don't let me out a lot, but we live next to a forest with these tall and brass trees that seemingly taunt you. Going into the forest seems to be the only thing I'm allowed to do, and it's been like that for so long.

     I like to paint, but that doesn't fuel me in the way I hoped it would. I view myself as a mediocre painter, and I think there's room for improvement, but I'm not bad at the craft. It's something that I'll just do when I get bored with myself, and that happens quite frequently because I'm not allowed to do anything!

     She doesn't even fully tell me why I'm not allowed to go out, and that's the thing with my mother. She gives me these things in riddles, and I'm supposed to figure it out myself! I'm assuming it's because she doesn't want someone to take me away from them, from her? There are a lot of dangerous people in this world, or so that is what she and my father have been telling me of.

     What would happen if I chose to go out to the forest without their permission? If my mother were to never see me slip out, there wouldn't be too big an issue. I believe she's in the parlour, reading something I presume.

    She never lets me take a look at what she is reading, and I don't see why that is the case with her. I think she thinks I'm too dumbfounded, though she will never say it because she treasures me too much. My father would openly call me stupid, but that is because he doesn't have to lie to me so he's in my favour.

     I hate when my mother does that, lying to me so I don't grow to resent her for being honest with me. I'm not going to lie and say that her being dishonest doesn't make me feel fond of her but sometimes someone needs a little bit of critique in their life. My father is honest, but when one person doesn't commonly speak the truth to you, you start to want to crave critique from them. My mother isn't completely dishonest, and she tells me I need to be more mindful of what I'm being given because I seem to be throwing away any potential I have.

     She says I'm getting too comfortable with the idea of amounting to nothing, though I'm not sure what she even expects me to do. What jobs are willing to be given to me? She also goes on saying I'm too shy and need to be worked out of my shell more. It's not that I choose to be shy, I just am! Maybe I'd prefer if she kept her mouth shut because when she gives critique, I hate it very much. My entire mind is contradicting itself, and I think it's just because I've been a bit off for apparently no reason. My head is aching and being filled with gruesome thoughts, and I've been having dreams (night terrors, I should say) more frequently. I can't exactly tell what was happening in them, because I've forgotten most.

     I remember one time there was a stairway that never ended, and there was a door at the end of it. I heard laughter coming from that door. I tried to reach it, but the laughing stopped and turned into screams. When I'd made it to the top of the stairs (it felt like a million years had gone by) there was no noise on the other end of the door. I opened it only to see blackness and a bright light in the corner of it. The light seemed to be getting farther and farther away, and I tried to run, but something was pushing me back beyond my power. I hate that feeling because it makes me feel helpless.

     What was it supposed to be? A light is never just a light, nothing is ever just anything anymore. While I was thinking, I heard a conversation from downstairs, but it was more an argument if anything.

"You foul woman!-"

"I'm so foul? You are delusional you- you- little rodent!"

     I hope to never fall in love because that is what it will lead to, argument after argument. To be betrothed to someone for the entirety of your lifetime, to have to wake up seeing someone who is tied to you. I hate that idea very much, to have to belong to someone. My parents are betrothed to each other of course, but they seem so unhappy and as if they are two strangers who met on the streets, arguing over some silly thing in politics.