a Little Blurry | Billie Eilish

¹¹ hush

jordan pov

billie stormed out and didn't even let me explain. well, not that i would've been stable enough to do so... but either way, she doesn't know.

after the doors to the elevator closed, i walked back to the apartment and naomi looked at me with such a weird look.

"i- what was that?" she stutters as i pass her, closing the door and stepping straight back into the bedroom to get my shirt.
"jordan." she says again, making me snap out of my trance.

adjusting my shirt, i turn around, staring at her blankly.

"naomi, i think you should go."

"but- i wasn't done with you. you need my help, look at you."

"huh?" i question, a confused look sneaking it's way onto my face.

"i'm not leaving until we talked this out more, jordan." naomi rambles, moving closer and placing her hands on either side of my face.

"i appreciate it, but you seen the way billie is taking this." i say, searching for her eyes.

we're incredibly close.

"yes, but for once... this is not about billie. please, jordan. this is for yourself."

she's right.

"but-"

"no no, shush." she whispers, stopping me softly.

i sigh, lowering my head.

"come on, let's make a little plan for you."

"whatever you say, therapist." i chuckle, letting her pull me into the kitchen by my hand.

just like naomi insisted, she continued to give me a whole lot of tips and create an entire plan about how to change my - nonexistent - eating habits and help me stay on track long-term.

even though talking about all sorts of food, meals and especially calories, made me very anxious, i had to go through it and accept the fact that i can't keep going like this.

i'm honestly so lucky to have naomi and i'm almost positive, that without her, i'd still be stuck in this mindset that assures me that i'm not enough and deficiente in every sort of way.

she opened my eyes and helped me see myself.

now... telling my girlfriend will be the next big step. a step that i fear.

hopefully she will take it lightly.

"thanks naomi. a lot." i pout, holding her soft hands tightly in my own.

"you needed it, babe. now promise me you will get billie's help and let her spoil the shit out of you." she smiles, nodding her head.

"i promise... not sure when i'll tell her, though." i speak, feeling shy.

"jordan!-"

"no no, i will. i promise i will try. you know i'm not good at this."

"okay, but do it within the next few days. if you can, today. please, it's for your own sake. you just  need her to help you, jordan." naomi scolds, taking one more step out the door.

"yes, i know."

"good, i really hope everything works out fine for you."

the thing is, naomi told me she would come over more often now to check on me, but she can't. she will be flying out to new york for a couple of days for a skims photoshoot. she's so good at what she's doing.

"thank you, now go. you need to pack." i laugh, practically shoving her out the door.

"yeah, yeah i know. you sure i can leave you alone though, now that billie isn't here?" she asks, worry spreading across her face once again.

"yes, now please." i beg, wanting her concern to come to an end.

we say our final goodbyes and i watch her dance her way to the elevator, her excitement about the business trip speaking all for itself.

she's precious.

"ugh!" i sigh loudly, leaning back against the hard wood door.

grabbing my phone in my pants, i pull it out and quickly see the screen lightening up, showing me the time.

fuck. 01:52 am.

how on earth?... where even is bil-

"what the-" a voice suddenly arises behind me, making me startle as i feel the door pushing against my back.

"oh!" i quietly shout, stepping aside to let it open freely now.

"billie, hi." i smile once i notice her facial features in the dark.

she's not moving.

"hi." she greets me rather disinterestedly, walking past me after locking the door, leaving me like: 🧍🏽‍♀️

"where have you been for so long? it's almost two, you must be hungry." i say, now staring at her back.

"oh, yeah no i ate with them."

"them?" i ask, raising my left brow.

"finneas and claudia."

"nice..." i say blandly.

she starts walking into the bedroom, getting undressed on the way and throwing her clothes on a nearby chair as i follow her steps through the dark.

"mhm." she agrees, not once looking at me.

"...how did writing go?"

"fine."

"billie, can you at least act like i'm here?" i sigh, crossing my arms in front of my body.

"jordan..." she breathes, sounding exhausted and sick of my shit.

she sits down on the mattress, taking her pants off and throwing it to the other things before standing up and walking into the closet.

"hm?"

"...i feel like you're scared of me." billie says, taking her bra off and putting a top on.

"what? no. how come you-"

"you're acting all mysterious around me and naomi's always talking to you when i'm not there."

"billie..." i pout, following her to the bed as she sits down.

her arms slowly lift off of her lap and snake around my waist, grabbing my shirt in her visibly muscular hands.

"all i want is to protect you but i don't know if you're aware... if you trust me." she tells, her voice calming down to where it almost equals a whisper.

"i do-"

"jordan, she was looking at you in this way... the way only my eyes should travel along your skin." billie seductively says, falling backwards onto the bed as she pulls me down with her, making our bodies collide to the point where i can feel her boobs pressed up against my own.

"billie-" i start, looking at her lips.

fuck.

"shhh, don't speak... for once." she chuckles as my expression remains cold as ice.

this is not the right time.

✶
authors note

yes, i'm bad at updating. you don't gotta tell me. i'm trying my best.