a Little Blurry | Billie Eilish

¹³ awfully quıet

billie pov

"alright. thank you, justin. you know i don't like doing this either, but i have to. goodbye."

i finally managed to persuade justin into canceling every upcoming interview so i could focus on my girlfriend a little.

hoping jordan's still asleep, i walk back into the bedroom, trying to be quiet.
staring at her beautiful face in the morning is definitely one of my favorite activities to do.

she just looks so peaceful...
...even in this very-not-peaceful time.

right when i'm about to enter the kitchen, her voice stops me.

"billie?"

"what's up, babe?" i ask, turning back and finding jordan rubbing her eyes.
"you need me to bring you something?"

"hm, no i'm good. what were you doing out there?"

"you saw me?" i question curiously.

"yeah, it was a nice view. you looked good." she smirks, winking at me.

"come on, quit it." i laugh, sitting down on her side and stroking her leg through the blanket.

"i haven't seen you wear this in a long time." jordan smiles, beginning to play with the cords of my robe.

"yeah i know."

"what's the plan for today?" she asks, her eyes low.

"well, i was about to get you some food..." i tell, waiting for a reaction.
"...just if you want, though."

"yeah- yeah no. i- i do. i want to try." jordan smiles weakly, dropping her hands.

"great. is there something specific you want to start with?"

"not really. naomi said i should start with light food, like fruit or else."

"yeah, that makes sense. i will find something."

"alright."

"wanna come with me or do you want to stay here?"

"can i sleep just a little more? after that i will come look." she smiles before i stand back up and go ahead to get started in the kitchen.

• three weeks later •

⇄
jordan pov

"im so proud of you. you're the strongest, i swear to fucking god." billie chuckles in disbelief, shaking her head as she stares me down with sparkles in her eyes.

we're currently sitting at the dining table in our apartment. at night.
a now empty plate is sitting right in front of me.

the past three weeks have been full of billie helping me... or at least trying to get me to eat something. surprisingly, she's been quite successful in getting me to find myself again.

besides that, i've been having countless appointments with a therapist.
her name is sophie. she's the sweetest, luckily.

"you've come so far, baby." billie speaks, standing up and kissing my head softly before walking off into the kitchen to put the plate away.
"you know. i was really worried at first..." her voice echoes through the dark, sadness wrapped around her words.

"baby-"

"... imagine something happened to you. i'd never be able to look at myself again without thinking that it's all my fault because i was too blind to fucking notice." she speaks, her voice slightly raising at the end.
"god, jordan." billie says, shutting the door of dishwasher hard, causing a loud thud.

i shoot up, running into the kitchen to grab her arms and make her turn to me.

"billie." i say, searching her eyes.

"j-"

"no. i'm right here. healthy and happy, see." i smile, taking her head and pulling her in for a tight hug.

"i love you so much." she whispers.

"i love you too."

"i can't wait to have a family with you. my very own." billie says, so silent that i almost miss it.

"what?" i ask, pulling back.

she only smiles at me, a tear running down her flawless skin.

"a family?" i ask.

"one day, yes."

"what if it gets worse before i can give you any of that..."

"hey, don't say stuff like that. i want you to know that i'm always gonna try to fix you. no matter how long it takes. for you i'd wait forever."

"i want a family with you, too." i speak, too stunned to say anything else.
she takes my breath away with everything she says and does.

"our babies are gonne be models, just like you. i want them all to have your eyes." billie says, grabbing my waist hard, kissing me.

our lips move in perfect sync, connecting like they're meant to be.

after pulling away, her hands start stroking my lower back as she looks me deep in the eyes. after touching every inch of my back, her fingertips move to the front of my body, finding my belly.
softly, she starts tracing random shapes around my belly button, making my breath hitch again.

"you're beautiful to me no matter what you look like. i want you to know that."

"thank you..." i smile, looking down at her hands.
"... but i lost so much weight. i guess calvin klein will have to find a way to do the shoot without me." i shrug.

"what? calvin klein? why calvin klein?" she asks confused.

"oh yeah, they sent me an invite to this shoot for the new undergarments collection." i blush.

"they what?" billie asks, sounding surprised and excited at the same time.

"yeah." i chuckle.

"baby! that's fucking amazing. why didn't you tell me? i thought you took a few days off."

"well, i did. but they still slid into my emails... i was shocked too."

"makes sense."

"look, billie. i'll just cancel the request and wait until next time."

"but why? that's your chance, jordan."

"it's not that big of a deal. i have other things to go to after my break. i probably won't even have time for it."

"jordan. come on, you would find a way to attend-"

"look, billie! it's not about that.
have you seen my body? it's changed so much. they won't even recognize me. they want the jordan lewis from the portfolio and the one standing right here, right now, looks completely different. worse." i tell her, opening up about my feelings for once.

i sigh, turning away from her and walking towards the bathroom.

"jordan." billie calls, stooping me by reaching for my wrists.
"your body still looks fabulous. so fabulous."

"yeah.. like you've seen it." i chuckle ironically, rolling my eyes without her seeing.

"then let me."