Lochlainneach

In The Bleak Midwinter

7 November, 1746

Cìosamul Castle, Castlebay, Barra

Shortly after Brèagha was born, I found myself struggling to adapt to new motherhood. I had gotten so used to Archie growing more and more independent that it was almost strange to have such a small being depend wholly on me for care, and it was even harder on me when I recalled that I was in it alone. Well, not 'alone' - I had my aunt, my cousins, my grandparents, an army of relatives of various relations... but all of that meant so little because I didn't have my Jamie by my side. Brèagha would never know her father, and looking down into her sweet, perfect blue eyes, I found myself seeing her father in them. It became hard to look at her, but she needed me because she didn't have anyone else.

The tear that I had received when I was delivering Brèagha was healing nicely, but it was still difficult to sit up in a chair, so I either laid with her in bed or stood and paced the room with her. I was restless, but my grandmother and my aunt were adamant that I needed to rest, continually insisting that they would tend to Archie and care for him while I rested. "I want him te meet his sister," I said to Maisie, who was trying to encourage me to climb back into bed.

"Believe me, the rest ye'll be gettin' now ye'll be grateful for. Weeuns meetin' their new siblings can be a bit rough," she told me. "When Beitiris and Seàrlas met Liùsaidh fer the first time, they frightened the poor lass!"

"Archie isnae like them, though. He needs te meet his sister. I need him te meet her," I said as Maisie got me back into bed and pulled the covers up over my lap.

"Perhaps after her next feedin'. Yer still healin' and yer most needed by this wee lassie, ye dinnae need te fash aboot carin' fer the lad now," she told me.

"Were I still on the run, I'd be carin' fer him," I said somewhat bitterly as I adjusted my shift to free my breast for Brèagha to attach.

"And ye'd probably be dead. Brèagha, too," said my aunt somewhat sternly. "I'll come back te check on ye in hour, and if all's well and yer still awake, I'll fetch the lad."

"Why dinnae I have a say in my own decisions?" I asked her sharply.

"Because now, ye have a family te care fer ye, a leannan ," she replied, giving me a stern look. "Dinnae fash, now. Bairns can sense it in the milk." She left me alone with Brèagha still feeding, and I let out a frustrated huff.

"Stress in the milk," I said in a mocking tone, looking down at my daughter in my arms. "Ye hear tha', hen? Yer goin' te get yer Mam's stress by feedin'." I let out a sigh. "Not fashin' is easier said than done... I've no' kent a completely happy day since yer father died... He'd love ye verra much, my darlin'. He does love ye verra much, even from where he is now. Someday, I'll tell ye all aboot him... Fer now, ken that he was kind, and brave, and that he sacrificed everrathing te keep you, yer brother, and yer Mam safe. I wish he didnae... but perhaps I wouldnae be holdin' ye in my arms now." For a while, I sat in bed while Brèagha suckled my breast, and when she fell asleep in my arms, I covered up and cleaned her face, then stood back up. "I'll no' wait an hour fer ye te potentially meet yer brother. We're goin' te meet him right now."

I dressed as quickly as I could, doing my best to ignore the pain between my legs, and bundled Brèagha up in a wool blanket and left my bedchamber. Needless to say, servants in the castle were a little surprised to see me up and about, and after several strange looks and utters of 'congratulations', I arrived at the Laird's study, an older man I didn't recognise guarding the door. "The Laird's busy," the man said to me as I approached.