𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐧/𝐍~

~𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 ~

A/n:- So this was everything that's been going on for the past few months, I've decided to dust this one out......and I'm fine right now. if you've ever felt like you couldn't go on with your life any longer.

This one is for you.❤️

Thank you for staying💜

P.s:- This one's gon be a long one, so read only if you have time.

"I want to die". There, with that atrocious thought, I had finally found it. The bottom of my Universe. The last step on my ladder. Surrounded by the total darkness of my mind, I heard a click. A switch. All lights went off in my head, then I was alone. I had no parents, no siblings, no friends, no living being beside myself existed anymore. I couldn't see, hear nor speak. I thought that that was what it must feel like to be lost in outer space. Except for the fact that there were no stars to keep me company, to let me know I wasn't alone. The weird thing was that at that moment, I had complete control over my existence. I felt Death getting closer to me, caressing me with the promise of taking away all the pain. And to my utter surprise, its closeness didn't fill me with anguish or fear. I felt peace, the infinite peace that comes with being still and present in the moment, even though time didn't exist there. It was only me, my very own essence. My thoughts, the demons I had kept inside the cage in my mind my entire life weren't there. I was finally free of them. The knowledge that I could eternally be free of them by just taking the hand that Death was extending towards me was a warm comforting embrace around my soul. It was the realization that I would inevitably be free of them one day, for death is the only experience all living beings are bound to know, one day or the other. Even more so than life. And then... I heard a voice, or maybe it was just one of my own random thoughts, who knows... but it sounded like cotton and tasted like candy, soft and sweet. Nothing like I had ever heard before in my mind. It said: "That's why life is so precious". Just like that... an epiphany came to me.

We fear death because it's the one inevitable thing in everyone's life. And in its inevitability, we are all bound to understand all its secrets. Life, on the other hand, it's not. Life has to be lived to be understood. Life is the real unsolved mystery, not death. A mystery that has to be fully lived to be solved. What is life? What is the purpose of being alive? Who am I? I didn't know the answers to any of these questions, but I wanted to. All my life I had been building cages around my demons, never realizing that in the process I had locked myself inside with them. Never truly living. I had never been able to see my depression, my worst thoughts, my anxiety, my fear of people's hatred, and society's judgment, as something that came from outside of myself. All those things were invisible to the eye and no one else ever talked about them. They were like ghosts. And just like ghosts, I couldn't touch my fears, but they were undeniably real. Therefore I was them... or so I thought. I thought they were an inseparable part of me, but that wasn't true. I was alone at the bottom of my mind, alone on the last step of the ladder and there was no fear. No ugly thoughts. No nothing. I was calm, at peace. And in that peace, in that stillness of the mind, I was finally able to realize that I needed to know life more than death. The thought of living didn't scare me anymore, because I had already found the bottom, I had lost the will to live and I knew it couldn't get any worse than that. I was aware that choosing life meant having to deal with all the things that made me want to give up in the first place. But with life came the possibility of feeling things that I could never experience again if I were to choose life's darker sister.

Like the scent of jasmine on a summer night, the melody of unbound laughter, the colors of a sunset after a storm, the taste of a kiss after the words "I love you", the warmth of an embrace from someone who cares about me. And with these thoughts, it all came back to me. The image of my mother, my father, my siblings, my friends, a stranger who randomly smiled at me one day. I saw them all as if they were in there with me, in flesh and bones. In my subconscious. And just like that... love flooded all the darkest corners of my mind.

In that moment of joyous bliss, I felt as if I'd suddenly seen them for the very first time. And for the first time, I'd felt them. Truly. I sensed their presence like a living wire connecting their hearts to mine. They were all just like me, souls aimlessly wandering the world in search of a purpose. With their own demons to fight, just like me. With their need to know what's the meaning of life just like me.

All my life I believed the lies the monsters inside my head had been whispering to me. That I wasn't normal, that I wasn't fit to live in today's society, that I was unlovable, that I was worthless and I would always be a failure. And the worst lie of them all, the one they kept chanting over and over, day and night, awake or asleep. The one that said that I was alone and I would always be. But it wasn't the truth. I was not alone. In the quiet, the stillness, I realized that the truth was that I was part of something much bigger than my mind and my own body. I was the individual expression of a greater consciousness. The Universe experiencing itself through the body of a tiny human. Like it does through all forms of life on this planet. That was another epiphany, the most important one of my entire life.

And with that realization, all the whispered lies crumbled down, replaced by

the smiling faces of all my loved ones and my ancestors.

Then I saw a mother holding her baby for the first time as tears of joy streamed down her face.

A father teaching his daughter how to ride a bike as their laughter floated in the air.

Two siblings embracing each other after a fight, their hearts soaring on the wings of forgiveness.

A stranger helping another stranger stand up after a fall on the sidewalk, as their extended hands merged their souls in harmony.

A homeless man sharing his only meal with a dog.

An old woman feeding stray cats in a small alley.

And so many more random acts of kindness.

All the proof that I needed to know that love and compassion and empathy exist in this world was playing before my eyes like a movie... and then, another click. The switch again.

This time a blinding light, so bright and pure that all the remaining darkness around me could do nothing but retreat and then vanish. Finally, I was able to see the stars shine again in my Universe.

I wasn't alone and I would never be.

And , So I chose.

I chose life.

~sus~