Give A Little More

Chapter 21

A/N Literally listen to Repeating Days and read this chapter and try not to cry. I dare you.

He walked me to our car and I never felt a feeling like it. The feeling of not knowing what he was doing. Or showing me. Or anything. But my heart pounded and my mind raced and then I knew he was going back to the place where it all happened. Where I told him the truth and quickly ruined everything and realized I had screwed it all up and then it was where he he didn't know what he wanted anymore but maybe now he does. I gasped at the thought. 'Hell no. No he doesn't. We talked about marriage over a week ago. before he went on his trip. and left ross and I home. And I fucked everything up.'

He opened the door to the back seat and sat inside. Motioning for me to come in and how do you say no to that?

So I climbed in, trying to avoid his incredible gaze as he watched me climb in.

'Where do I even begin,' I thought, 'maybe he just wants to talk,' but he leaned in closely and whispered "Remember this," and kissed me.

I'd never felt anything like this before. But I never wanted to forget the feeling.

Having his lips molded into one with mine and then having his tongue in my mouth almost as if he owned me. I wanted to be owned.

I wanted every single soul who saw us to know that I was his.

No matter what. And my eyes stayed closed, trying to savor the moment that I was sure would end, and I had to breathe but I was so scared at what would happen if I pulled away so I took a deep breath through my nose and he smiled and I felt it.

It's different to feel someone physically smile.

To feel the way their lips move. To be present. To know that the person you were with was yours. How lovely a feeling.

And thoughts clouded my brain but I shoved them away, trying to remember every feeling of fireworks that I could manage and we continued just to kiss and smiled and kiss. His hands on my cheeks.

And then it was over. And I couldn't even look up. And when I did his face was unreadable and glazed. Like he had just seen God, or like he was high on pain killers. 

And I thought to myself. Maybe I was high on pain killers. He was my pain killer. He was everything I'd ever need. He opened his mouth and couldn't form words but looked at me. It was actually cold inside the car, why we were sitting in the back seat I didn't truly understand, but I knew it was where I had told him everything I had lied about. It was the moment everything went to shit.

"I wish I could forget everything that has happened between the last time we were in this car and just two minutes before now," He muttered. "Because I can't live without you," Here came the tears again. "Riker," I choked out, "I love you more than anything in the whole world. I never want to be without you ever. I never want to see a day where I don't wake up to your smiling face," I smiled. "I don't either, Harper, I never want to wake up to anyone but you," He cupped my face in his hands, "But I can't do this anymore..."

I got out of our car with him behind me, but I barely made it to the yard before I leaned my forehead against his and closed my eyes. 'I never want to leave this,' I thought. "What do you mean you can't do this?" I choked out at him. His hand held mine with intensity. "I love you," I said to him, my eyes flowing with tears.

"Oh Harper..." He said, "Please don't cry, this is hard enough..." "No it's not, nothing's happening," I shook my head in disbelief, "We can go inside, have some ice cream, have sex, lay in bed together, everything's gonna be fine... Please Riker..." I whispered to him, "I love you," "And I love you," He said, looking at the ground, "But you and I both know that we can't keep doing this. It's been difficult. The move here, my job, my travel, but this," He just sighed, "This is too much... Ross is my brother..." He said. "I know," I cried, "I know and I said I was so sorry, I don't know for sure if anything happened how many times do I have to say that Riker, really, honestly!" "But something happened the first time!" He looked into my eyes, "I know you love me, and I love you, but you can't undo any of these things, just like we can't undo moving back here, or your mother's death, or your father's marriage, we can't undo any of these things Harper, and you can't unto this, you can't fix it." He squeezed my hand.