Isak : Dreams of a Fallen Flower

Taking Initiative

"Reveal one thing you have done during the separation that you know the other won't approve of," said Fransesca.

"I take more sleeping pills than I should on some days because bad days are just plain bad," said Isak.

The doctor then looked at Arkyn.

"I hid something important. I was cutting myself for years. But when I sought help for my drinking problem, it came to light and I have stopped," said Arkyn.

Isak just stared at him.

"Show me," he said. Arkyn hesitated only a moment before rolling his sweater up and showing his arm, marred with criss cross scars, now months or years old.

Isak took the hand between his and he was sobbing. It felt unreal.

"Oh god, Arkyn," he glared at the man tearfully.

"I am sorry. I know I am so selfish. Please don't cry," said Arkyn.

"Doctor, can you excuse us. I think we need to talk about it on our own," said Isak. The doctor gave an approving nod and then said "I will give you something to work on while you are away. Go out with your children. I know you have reached nowhere on the touch factor. Keep trying. When you go out, be how you want to be, not how world expects you to be," said the doctor. It was good advice.

They got out and got into the car. Arkyn drove and Isak sat looking out the window.

"Why?"

There was silence for a while.

"I wanted to hurt myself just how I hurt you. You shouldn't feel guilty or bad because I chose a stupid way to grieve my losses," said Arkyn.

"Do you feel tempted now?" asked Isak.

"No"

"Good"

That day when they bid good night to their  children after dinner in their room, Isak reached out and took Arkyn's hand in his, entwining them as they made way to their respective bedrooms.

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It took everything in Arkyn to not crumble and cling to Isak like a life line. Isak just held on even when they reached outside his room.

He led Arkyn inside.

"I want to tuck you in. Are you going straight to bed?" asked Isak.

Arkyn nodded. He laid down. They were in the very room where Arkyn hurt Isak irreparably- the very bed they shared for some time. Isak pulled the blanket over him and then sat there.

"If its not too much too soon, stay?" asked Arkyn. Isak seemed to think for a while and then he nodded slowly.  He climbed into the bed and wrapped his arm around Arkyn. If they were both crying, only they need to know.

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Isak woke up first next day. In the five years that went by, he had sometimes dreamed of a future like this, when they can sleep like this, the lines blurring. 

He stayed like that for a moment. He didn't move his hands even after a few minutes when Arkyn woke up. They looked at each other.

"Are you upset? Do you regret sleeping here?" asked Arkyn.

"Regret? No. Upset? Yes, I am upset that I am not upset. Does that make sense?"

"Yes," said Arkyn. They kissed. Isak kissed his husband needily. He wanted this, needed this. The kiss deepened and Isak was on top of him. Arkyn looked at him.