Skulduggery Pleasant Shorts

Axes and other Accessories

Note

Happy Halloween! I wrote this very quickly on my break at work so apologies for any grammatical errors. If anyone has suggestions for future stuff let me know!

Synopsis

Valkyrie is invited to chaperone Alice's halloween disco and she asks Skulduggery to accompany her. She disapproves of his costume choice.

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Valkyrie's doorbell rang and she cursed, hobbling down the stairs with only one leg in her tights. She yanked the door open and scowled at the figure who stood on the porch.

"You have got to be kidding me," she snapped.

"Happy Halloween to you too," Skulduggery muttered as he followed her in, closing the door behind him. She glared at him as she yanked the other leg on, nearly ripping her dress at the slit as she did so. Skulduggery was wearing a pinstriped suit - one of his better ones - with a pair of well polished shoes. On top of the suit, however, was a clear raincoat splattered with fake blood. One gloved hand held an axe. Valkyrie wasn't sure whether it was real or fake.

"Patrick Bateman, Skulduggery, really?" she said, arms folded. "You're dressing up as American bloody Psycho for a school disco? Is that a real axe?"

"Indeed it is," he said cheerily. "An accessory procured specifically for this occasion."

She started up the stairs, beckoning for him to follow. "Walk me through this," she said as they climbed. They entered her bedroom, then the en-suite bathroom. Skulduggery perched on the edge of the bath while Valkyrie finished her lipstick in the mirror. "I called you saying 'hey Skulduggery, Mum's asked me to chaperone for Alice's halloween disco and I need someone to come along,' and you said 'of course, I'll pick up a costume this afternoon'. All of this makes sense. All of this is great. What I want to know is at what point you thought it would be a good idea to dress up as a sadistic serial killer."

He hesitated before replying. "I certainly intended to go out that afternoon. I might, however, have... forgot."

She whirled. "What?"

"I forgot. I've been really rather busy. I had a look in my dressing rooms and I couldn't think of a better dressed character than Patrick Bateman, as deplorable he may be."

"You hate that book," Valkyrie said. "You told me it was just mindless violence and complete narcissism. You told me not to bother reading it."

"And yet, you understand the reference."

"Well of course I do Skulduggery," she replied. "If you tell me you don't like something because the main character is too violent and narcissistic by your standards, I have to read it. It was very disturbing. Worse than Gordon's stuff."

"I agree."

She sighed. "So why are you dressed as the main character for my sister's school disco?"

"I look good in pinstripes," he said. "Besides, the children won't know who it is."

"It's not the kids I'm worried about," Valkyrie said as she turned back to the mirror. "It's the teachers who are going to already be judging me, and who will inevitably tell my mother that I brought an axe-wielding murderer covered in blood as my date for the school disco."

"Ah. I can see how that would be a problem, yes."

Valkyrie grunted, put the lipstick down and turned to him. "And what do you think?" she said, gesturing down at herself.

"You look very nice," he replied. "The dress is very you. I can almost guarantee you'll be the prettiest Morticia in Ireland tonight."

"Agreed. I do look pretty great, don't I?" She smiled, then went back to glaring. "Right, come on."

She stalked back into the bedroom and opened one of the bottom drawers, started rifling through. Skulduggery appeared next to her. "What are you doing?"

"Well you can't go as you are," she said. "You can't bring an axe to a primary school."

"What do you suggest instead?" Skulduggery asked.

"Since I am such a genius I have a backup." She stood. "Okay, raincoat off. No, not on the bed, I don't want blood on it. Hang it on the hook." He turned back to her and she walked over. "Tie," she said, hand outstretched.

He handed her the tie and she placed it on the bed, then undid a couple of shirt buttons. She tapped the symbols on his collarbones and a face flowed up. She tapped them again and it disappeared. She repeated this a few more times.

"What are you doing?" he asked, sounding amused.

"Shush. Finding the right face."

It took another few tries before she got it - dark hair, with a thin moustache. She buttoned up the shirt again and fixed the bow tie she had found in the drawer into place.  She went to the dresser and returned with a comb. She parted his hair down the middle and stood back. Valkyrie couldn't help it, she laughed.

Skulduggery turned to he mirror. "I see," he said, adjusting the tie slightly. "Gomez. How clever."

She went to join him. "Right?"

"And you just happened to have a bow tie sat in your drawers?"

"Yes. I think it was Gordon's. It looks good. And what's even better is that you're not going to get me banned from my own sister's school."

Skulduggery harrumphed. "I do look rather dashing."

Valkyrie's phone beeped and she cursed. "Mum says Alice is ready. We have to go."

Skulduggery gestured towards the door and they went downstairs. She picked up her bag from the hall table and walked to the door - not without pausing to glance at their reflection as they passed.

She grinned back at him. "We are totally going to win best dressed."