I'm Always Fine. - Tommyinnit angst

~Chapter 1~

   TW: SELF-HARM, PANIC ATTACK

~Tommy's POV~

Beep! Beep! Beep!

I listened to my alarm, unable to move and turn it off. I don't even know why I still use an alarm, it's not like I'm sleeping much nowadays. The constant and annoying sound continued to blare through my room, blocking out the birds tweeting outside of my window. 

I sighed, getting up and pressing the off button. 'Today will be better.' I thought. Who am I kidding? It never gets better.

I got up and walked over to my PC, turning it on and collapsing in the chair. My PC was the only thing that made me feel happy anymore. Even though the happiness was slowly dying away, I'll use this feeling it gives me until it runs out. 

I opened Discord, checking who was online. As I browsed through my friend's list, I spotted Wilbur, whose icon was green. I smiled a little, knowing Wilbur could always make me laugh.

The Twitch notification popped up on my phone,  informing me someone was streaming. I picked it up. 

Wilbur Soot is now live!

I sighed, knowing I shouldn't interrupt his stream. I checked the VCs in the DreamSMP server to see if anyone else was up to talk. I saw Tubbo and Ranboo in VC-3, my mood rising a bit. I clicked join and quickly put on my Tommyinnit personality. 

"HELLO TUBBO!" I shouted into my microphone, hoping their volume wasn't up too loud.

"Hi, Tommy!" Tubbo and Ranboo said, giggling afterward at saying it at the same time. 

"What are you lot up to?" I asked, hoping I could join them and distract myself from my own thoughts. 

"It's a surprise!" Tubbo answered, earning a small giggle from Ranboo.

"Who for? Could I help?" I asked, almost too desperate.

"Sorry Tommy, me and Ranboo want to do this on our own." Tubbo said apologetically. 

"Oh, okay! Would you like to play later then?" I asked, my tone becoming more and more distraught. 

"I can play later-" Ranboo began, quickly being cut off by Tubbo. "Sorry Tommy, we're gonna be working on this all day." 

"Aw, alright." I spoke. 

I quickly said my goodbyes and left the call, my eyes overflowing with tears. 

'He hates me.' I thought, my vision going blurry and my cheeks burning from the tears. I let out a choked sob, stumbling to the bathroom. 

'He hates me.'

'I'm not good enough.'

'He's replacing me.'

I wiped my eyes and made eye contact with myself in the mirror. 

'I'm fat.'

'I'm ugly.'

'I'm useless.'

'I'm disgusting.'

'I'm pathetic.'

TW: SELF HARM, PANIC ATTACK

I slung open the top drawer and searched for my razor blades, my mind being devoured by self-deprecating thoughts. As I pulled out the blood-stained blade, I could feel the panic rising in my chest. My sweat and tears mixed together and dripped onto the floor, creating a small puddle. 

I could barely breathe at this point, desperately trying to keep myself steady. I dropped the blade on the floor and I cursed, attempting to bend down and pick it up. My knees gave out, causing me to collapse on the floor. My head hit the toilet lid and I cursed loudly. Blood dripped down my face and to the floor, but I ignored it. 

"Where is that fucking blade!" I cried out, feeling desperate.  

As I felt around the floor, unable to see because of the blood and tears, I finally felt the cool metal under my fingertips. I let out a large sigh of relief as I picked it up and sat with my back against the wall. 

"Finally..." I muttered, the panic in my chest slowly disappearing. 

I placed the blade against an untouched section of my left arm, sucking in a breath. I pressed the blade down, the tip digging into my pale skin, and dragged it across. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting out a small grunt. The warm blood oozed out of the cut, staining my skin crimson. 

After a few more cuts, I felt satisfied. I stood up and ran my arm under the faucet, an attempt not to get blood anywhere. I glanced at the mirror. The gash on the top left of my forehead had stopped bleeding, but the blood that had dried to my skin was still there. I grimaced at the sight. Gross. 

TW over :)

After cleaning up, I could hear the discord call tone coming from my PC. Who's calling me? I thought. I walked over to my desk and glanced at the screen.

Incoming call: Ranboo

'Ranboo? What does he want?' I thought, jealousy quickly eating away at me. Ever since Ranboo showed up, Tubbo has always wanted to hang out with him instead of me. I can't really blame Tubbo though, can I? 

I debated whether or not I should accept or decline, but I was too late. The call ended, leaving my room silent once more. Until my phone chimed, indicating someone had sent me a message.

1 new message from: Ranboo

Why does he want to talk to me so bad? The jealousy was building up rapidly. I ignored the message, his name only fanning my burning hatred. 

Ding! 

I didn't hear it.

Ding!

I didn't hear it.

Ding!

I don't hear it. 

Ding!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" I shouted, grabbing my phone.

5 new messages from: Ranboo

I opened the notifications and read the messages.

Ranboo

-Hey Tommy!

-Sorry if im bothering u, i tried to call but u didnt answer

-I just wanted to say sorry about earlier 

-Tubbo ended up leaving early so im up to play if u want!

-And if not i hope u have a good rest of ur day :) 

Read 1:24

I felt like shit. Ranboo is such a good guy, why do I feel like this? Why do I hate him? He's done nothing to me. I'm such a dickhead. An asshole. I'm a bad person. 

I sat there for a moment, thinking it over. 

Am I a bad person?

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Hope you enjoyed chapter 1!!!

~1024 words~