It's not the end of the world.

The 4 sleepless nights

"After that,  I will admit I went into this weird state." I say shifting on the couch.

"What kind of state?" Dr. O'Malley asked.

"I don't know how to explain it but I was very stressed. To the point where I didn't sleep for more than 4hrs for 4 days."

"Do you do that a lot?" Dr. O'Malley asked

"Do I do what a lot?"

"No sleep is that a common thing." He asked me.

I never really thought about it until he asked but when he did I realize that I do that a lot. There were multiple times in my life when I couldn't sleep. I never really thought it was odd because it was a very common occurrence.

"Yeah sometimes," I say as he sits and writes that down in his notebook.

"Do you think maybe it's fair to say that Jake could be playing a factor in your stress?"

"No."

"But you said that what happened at this party sent you into this state." He points out.

"Yeah, I meant the action, not the person." I say fiddling with my fingers.

"But he initiated it." Dr. O'Malley points out.

I just sit there quietly not saying anything to that. It was true what he was saying but I wasn't going to admit it.

"I'm gonna be honest with you Hadley because I think you deserve it." Dr. O'Malley says looking up from his notebook. "The more you put him on a pedestal the more you forget to hold him accountable."

"His actions have direct effects on you. You didn't sleep for 4days-"

"That's the thing though something happened those 4days I didn't sleep." I say interrupting him.

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Day 1

This is horrible. This is bad. Like really bad. Really bad. Ughh. I turn over in my bed and try to close my eyes but every time I close my eyes. I'm right back there on that balcony with him.

"Fuck." I yell frustrated. I sat up and threw the bed covers off of me. I looked over at the clock to see that it was 4:30 am. I couldn't sleep and I have school at 7:30. I need to sleep.

If I wanted to sleep there are a few things I could do.

1) I could make chamomile tea to help me sleep.

I got up and went to the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. I waited impatiently for the water to heat up. I sat on my kitchen island and chugged the whole cup of tea. I quietly put everything back a rushed back to my bed. I made myself cozy in bed and felt myself slowly starting to drift to sleep. Next thing I knew I saw Jake kissing me on the balcony.

"Shit." I jolted awake and looked over at the clock and saw that it was 5:00 Jesus. I slept for like a total of 20 mins.

2) I can meditate

As I sat crisscrossed applesauce in my bed. And closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. And then there it was again like a fucking parasite. Jake and me on that goddamn balcony. So that didn't work. I look over at the clock to see it's now 5:40.

3) I can exercise.

I lay down on my floor and started to do sit-ups.  "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8- okay I'm not doing this." I look back at the clock and see it's now 6:00.