It's not the end of the world.

The Best Lee Out There

"I want to try an exercise with you." Dr. O'Malley asks.

"Are we allowed to talk about your mom?"

I whip my head up to look Dr.O'Malley in the eyes. I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"Yes," I say quietly shaking my head up and down.

"Unless you don't want to Hadley."  My head quickly whips back and forth disagreeing. I want to talk about her. I just never know how.

"I don't mind actually,"  I tell him.  He shakes his head okay. As he leans slightly forward and puts his pen and paper down on the coffee table separating us.

"I want you to close your eyes and try to imagine you are in an empty room." I pull my legs up in front of me and close my eyes taking a deep breath. "I want you to try your best to not think of anything and then I'm going to ask you some things. I want you to try your best to answer them." I shake my head up and down acknowledging the rules. "if at any point you want to stop you can stop."

I sit on the couch across from him with my legs crossed and eyes close waiting for his question. I try hard to keep my mind clear but my anxiety takes over as I try to think of every possible question he could ask.

"What is your mother's full name?" My heart rate picks up at the simple questions asked of me.

"Rosie lee Williams" I muttered out. "But everyone called her Lee," I say.

"Lee?" He asks as a question. My head goes up in down as I rip away the cuticles remaining on my fingers. 

"Like your nickname?" He asks.

"It's not my nickname really anymore."

"Why?" 

"She was the one who used to call me lee. In fact, she used to tell me that's why she named me Hadley." I chuckle slightly under my breath at this memory. "HAD-LEE play on of words. She said she couldn't believe I came from her when I was born. That everything she lacked as a person, and a mother I had and ten times more. She said to me when I was five that I was meant to be the best Lee out there."

"Do people still call you Lee?"

"Yes and no. I don't just let anyone call me that It's too personal. My mom was the only one who called me that. It was her and i's thing." I say shutting my eyes harder trying to calm myself.

"Would you say being called Lee is a trigger?" I inhaled deeply at his question.

"Yes, when the wrong person uses it."

"But not Beau." My heart stops when he says his name. It has been 3 months since I last talked to him. Even though I have been talking about him the whole session my heart still stops when I think about him.

"No not Beau," I say shaking my head and grinning.

"Why is that?"

"Because even though my mom and him never met. I swear sometimes it feels like they have. I just know she would have loved him."