𝐒𝐊𝐙 𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒

GONER : LIXBIN

is it too much to ask for? for me to feel comfortable in my skin?

it wasn't uncommon to see him crying in a corner.his sons are loud , but why don't they hear him?

The ugly naked truth
he tries to hide his tears when he finds that his clothes don't fit the same
a different kind of pain
in the mirror, how much has he eat en
his fate remains unchanged.
why can't he just be the same as everybody else?

tell him pretty lies
oh you look amazing today
but no one sees what's underneath
how he feels the hatred crawling around his bones
another fight, a battle he lost

bowl after bowl, day after day
leftovers on the table
call out his name
and he just waits
for them to go to bed
so they don't see
loves the taste yet it's a sin

He starves him of his youth
soon he noticed
the scale was a must
he turned into dust
a few inches off his waist
so what
if they didn't know?

And he stands alone
he's been there too many times before
woke up and found himself on the floor
they don't find him
even at the dinner table he's okay
food barely chewed up
a day long headache

till somebody catches up
find leftovers in the trash
sometimes empty containers
or even the residue from having too much
flicks on the switch and he pretends to sleep
a hand on his stomach
and his heart into a fist

I swear it's not by choice
he didn't want this to happen
wasn't his to decide
he couldn't control what goes on inside

But he has this voice
that tells him what to do
it gets him so high
he wants to live yet craves to die
no matter what it makes him do

And it calms him down
makes him feel okay
even if it tells him to eat and stuff his face
till he cries
and sometimes it tells it's alright
just die
don't eat and just cry

It gives him purpose he has to admit
when he rests his heavy head
feels the bile start to rise
it starts to plan his demise
yet give him some sort of identity

And it's alright
he's used to this
when no one sees
he cries himself to sleep
yet tears don't wet his face
it's just the pain from within
living with guilt
and pharmacy visits

he's alright
he always says to him
he's just fine
despite the overwhelming feelings
yet

he wants to be okay
he waits for that day
that he finally can free himself
from the hands of it
doesn't have to cry till he drowns
doesn't have to eat till he cries

this eyesore; it's him
avoid the mirrors aimed at him
his reflection is broken
when his fingertips touches the glass
all of them into an abyss

he wants out from under
can't bare to tell his story
all that's left is a sorry
for not stopping
when it told him to eat
all that's left of him
an empty skull
when it told him to starve
he did

this confining skin
he hates the feeling
please let him breathe
for the fear of dying
he wants to die
but deep inside he always wanted to live
wouldn't the voice go away please?

That he so reluc-tantly lives in
traps him in it's clutch
poke and pinch his cheeks
wrap their arms around his wrists
a finger roaming around his body
telling him how much weight he needs to loose
to be pretty again

his worth is measured solely
according to the scale
that tells him
whether to feel good about himself or not

he is heavy, he feels frail
he's been here before
crying on the kitchen floor
hoping for someone to hear his cries
to tell him that it was alright
and it's alright
he just wants  to be okay

" what happened to you? "
yes. what happened to him? he was alright but crumbling as soon as he set his eyes on him.
hard to piece up the pieces
takeaway boxes that were empty
loaded with calories
he counts with his fingers
they were all empty
like a sea of mundane faces
out of places to be in

in his arms
where he was safe at last
he hopes for this love to last
maybe then
would the voice learnt to let him go
but for now

his bones
his weight
didn't matter
for now

his skin
his height
didn't matter
for now

all he knew was that things would get better
whenever he was here
with him.

" i'll be here with you, at every meal, every step of the way. "

LOVE LUVS : i didn't specify who was suffering from the eating disorder >.< they were based on a poem / song lyrics ive written
im covering on the topic of bulimia, anorexia and  body dysmorphia, I hope it was at least vaguely portrayed (:
don't worry, there will be more chapter where i would write more detailedly about those disorders, p.s : such disorders are not an aesthetic, i am only writing about them to spread awareness ,, this is a completely fictional piece of writing and it doesn't reflect the characters in real life unless said so otherwise!! ^^ take care and my messages are always open for chatting (: