angelic | jean kirstein

chapter twenty two

ANGELIC – CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

"The screams seem a lot louder than they were when Captain Levi did it."

Isabel stared blankly down at the table below her, her elbows rested on the table and her hands covering her ears. Sasha was right, the screams were a lot louder now that Hange was downstairs - more painful. She didn't like the picture that was painted in her head of what her godparents were doing downstairs, she didn't want to think about what they were doing to the man.

She felt sick, so utterly sick. But there was nothing that could possibly come up now except stomach acid, everything came up earlier when she and Jean had went off on their own due to Levi's orders.

Everything she had done today - they had all done today made her question whether they really were in the right. She had killed people, four people had died at her hands, four lives she had taken without hesitation. She had no idea how many Levi had killed or Mikasa, plus the one that Armin shot. Killing, torture. . . are we really the good guys?

"I know it's to save our friends," Connie's voice drew her attention, muffled through her hands though she could still hear the disgust in his voice. "But, it still makes me sick."

Armin sighed from beside her. "Let's face the facts. We're criminals now. Our last enemy wanted to eat us. . . we don't have an excuse like that for killing these people. It's just that their views are different. No. . . It's just that they're in another group. And for that we'll take their lives?" His voice wobbled towards the end of his sentence and Isabel felt her own tears slowly well into her eyes as she clung onto his every word, he was right, Armin was always right, no matter how much she wished he wasn't.

"Armin. . ."

"We're not good people." He continued. "Not anymore, at least."

Isabel screwed her eyes shut as she shook her head lightly. They weren't good people, there was no excuse for the way they had mercilessly killed those people. She didn't hesitate to kill those people - sure they were trying to kill her first, but she was so malicious and evil in those moments it made her question if she was ever a good person to begin with.

Her mind wandered back to her father, wondering if he was okay. She knew he'd understand, but then her mind wandered to the woman who she never even met - would her mother understand? Would her mother have understood what she had to do today, would she have agreed with Isabel's ways or would she have sided with the MPs? At his point she wasn't so sure.

If only they hadn't destroyed Trost's gate that day, would she have been in the MPs? Would she have been one of those people who were trying to exterminate her friends like they were mere bugs? Would it have been her life today instead of theirs? When it came down to it, Isabel guessed it all came down to perspective.

Is this what it was like for them? She questioned herself as she shook her head lightly. It feels like the guilt is eating me alive.

Isabel opened her eyes at the touch of another on her wrist, she turned her head to look at the hand that softly pulled her right hand away from her ear and towards the table. Jade eyes followed the arm up to the face and was greeted with Sasha's sad eyes - a sight Isabel wasn't used to, a sight she would never want to get used to.

During everything that had gone on Isabel had forgotten how much Sasha actually meant to her - how much everyone actually meant to her. She had been so focused on Annie, Reiner and Bertolt that she hadn't been giving her friends any sort of comfort throughout this, they were their friends too, not just her. The guilt was building.